This song represents me just now....it was me 10 years ago.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our troughts strayed constandly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begin

Along the long road and on down the causeway
Do they still meet there by the cut

There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The night of wonder

Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfuried
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world

Eneumbered forever by desire and ambition
Theres a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road weve been so many time

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

Forever and ever

Are you one of the beautiful people
Is my name on the list
Wanna be of the beautiful people
Wanna feel like Im missed

Hey you with the walkie talkie
I know my clothes are not right
I wish I had my own walkie talkie
That reached to God every night

Everyone needs to be somebody
Everyone needs to find someone who cares
But I dont know if you know what I mean
cause Im never on your list

Are you one of the beautiful people
Am I on the wrong track
Sometimes it feels like Im made of eggshell
And it feels like Im gonna crack

Everyone needs to be somebody
Everyone needs to find someone who cares
But I dont know if you know what I mean
cause Im never on your list

Well another christmas is set to come and go. Feeling rather abandoned in a way...I have had the option of sharing christmas day with some friends, but I've felt so miserable over the past few days, I would much rather spend it alone. More because I think I would be bad company than anything else.

It's hard being over here on my own now. Until recently I have always believed that something would fix itself, anything, just to make life that little bit easier, and now I'm no longer sure.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling lost, and really empty. I work stupid hours, partly of necessity, and partly because i just don't want to come home, sit here on my own and feel as depressed as I do.

I'm supposed to go stay at Susanna's apartment from next week for two weeks to take care of the animals, although I'm not sure about the location yet, I'm starting to think I would much rather prefer to sleep here, then in a place where she has already found someone to replace me, it feels weird, because we always talked about fixing things, and now it seems like it was all just a ruse, basically for her to keep me off her back while she went and did other things instead, and possibly for the opportunity (although i don't believe this so much) to make the point that I gambled by coming here, and I lost, big time.

The question is, what now? I don't see a huge future in the job I'm doing now, and I definitely don't want to spend 10 years doing the same job, let alone 5, or even 3. There is one or two people who I am interested in, but there's just no confidence left to even attempt to take it further.

I know this all sounds stupid and pathetic, and it sounds like I'm pitying myself, but I'm not. I just feel lost and without direction now....