I have come to a point now where I feel completely lost.

I despise my job, I hate the fact that it drives me down into the ground, mentally and physically. The fact that I work basically without help from the entire business means that I feel alone, and without anybody caring. The job leaves me empty and I no longer feel the desire to fight against all the bullshit that comes with that job. I have lost all faith in my ability as a manager, and that comes down to the fact I'm constantly sold down the river, so to speak.

I despise my life. I am constantly fighting an uphill battle just to stay afloat, yet the possibilities seem very few right now. If I sell up, and leave, where will I go? There is no future for me in New Zealand. There's unlikely to be any future for me in the UK, so what should I do? It seems that no matter what option I take, I am doomed to failure. There is nothing for me to do which will lift this gloom that I am now stuck in.

I despise me. I hate the fact that I am alone, and right now, based on current events, if I stay in Sweden, I will remain alone. The one I sold my old life for has moved on, and now I am just a footnote on her life. The one person whom I felt I could start again with, is not only not interested, but I have hurt her in ways that I fought so hard not to do. Not physically of course, as I am not that sort of person. But I put her in a position that has caused her to be unhappy, and for that I cannot even begin to forgive myself. 

I no longer feel positive in my life, and it is quite a difficult problem to overcome, I have been trying to sleep these past 30 minutes, but with so much crap running through my head, I cannot even begin to relax.

I just want to give up, and thats the first time I have admitted that in a very long time.....

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