Direktlänk till inlägg 22 januari 2009


Av Gary Fraser - 22 januari 2009 00:51

I have come to a point now where I feel completely lost.

I despise my job, I hate the fact that it drives me down into the ground, mentally and physically. The fact that I work basically without help from the entire business means that I feel alone, and without anybody caring. The job leaves me empty and I no longer feel the desire to fight against all the bullshit that comes with that job. I have lost all faith in my ability as a manager, and that comes down to the fact I'm constantly sold down the river, so to speak.

I despise my life. I am constantly fighting an uphill battle just to stay afloat, yet the possibilities seem very few right now. If I sell up, and leave, where will I go? There is no future for me in New Zealand. There's unlikely to be any future for me in the UK, so what should I do? It seems that no matter what option I take, I am doomed to failure. There is nothing for me to do which will lift this gloom that I am now stuck in.

I despise me. I hate the fact that I am alone, and right now, based on current events, if I stay in Sweden, I will remain alone. The one I sold my old life for has moved on, and now I am just a footnote on her life. The one person whom I felt I could start again with, is not only not interested, but I have hurt her in ways that I fought so hard not to do. Not physically of course, as I am not that sort of person. But I put her in a position that has caused her to be unhappy, and for that I cannot even begin to forgive myself. 

I no longer feel positive in my life, and it is quite a difficult problem to overcome, I have been trying to sleep these past 30 minutes, but with so much crap running through my head, I cannot even begin to relax.

I just want to give up, and thats the first time I have admitted that in a very long time.....


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Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

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