Direktlänk till inlägg 26 juli 2009

It's been awhile

Av Gary Fraser - 26 juli 2009 00:38

Long time since I wrote, lots has happened, mostly bad stuff

Leaving willys, its been coming, but its still not nice to have it happened as it did (explanation later maybe) I guess this leaves me open for a new start (again) but here in lies the problem.

The problem is now, that I don't know where my new start is going to be. It seems increasingly likely that my new start isn't going to be in Halmstad, as the person I'm trying to hold on to, is planning to leave anyways. And due to my refusal to do long-distance relationships, I don't see a light at the end of that tunnel right now. I hope I'm wrong, I sincerely do, but right now in the state of mind I find myself, I don't see it.

Even with that, thats not to mention the fact my arbetstillstånd (work permit) is up for review, and being jobless, it looks 50/50 that it will be extended. So everything is waiting on them to come to a decision on what they plan to do.

So what to do? What are my options? Well there are several, although some appear more likely than others.

1) Work permit approved/denied, but leave, return to New Zealand, marry, and live out my life, just like my parents

2) Work permit approved, stay, and continue to fight to survive.

3) Work permit approved/denied, head to the UK, and work there.

4) work permit denied,  travel around Europe until its time to go home, and then go home, poor.

I know that if I end up going home, I think I will give up on the dreams I once had when I came to Europe, even though now they seem further away from reality than when they did when I arrived. It's never easy giving up your dreams, and thats something I'm going to have to come to terms with, no matter what my decision. Right now  it feels like concentrating on surviving, no matter where I am, is the order of the day.

Although people are trying, I'm left feeling isolated now, and no matter where I go, I will always have that feeling, because its a self-imposed isolation. The ability to trust in others is eroding away, and maybe soon it will be gone. It hurts more when I know I'm dragging other people down with me, and I know full well they don't deserve that.

So what to do now? Only time will tell, inside right now I feel completely sad and I hate being on my own, because it leaves me to my thoughts, which can be very tormenting at the worst of times. I don't know what to say or do anymore that will fix these issues, I have searched for help and came away from it feeling less good than when I started.

No one wants to listen, so I will write it here, and the blog will read.


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Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...


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