Direktlänk till inlägg 19 augusti 2009

On a downer

Av Gary Fraser - 19 augusti 2009 23:38

Well, too much time on my own, with very few people to talk to, have left me on a serious downer.


The one who usually picks me up is away, and will be rather often under the coming months. The fact that she still sees her future without me is still something I find worrying.


Stupid thoughts have been entering my head lately, and refuse to go away. Things like "would anyone miss me?" if I were to do something stupid keep coming back. Of course I am a pussy, and could never do that "stupid" thing. So it really is a moot point.


For over a year now, I've always felt like I was fitting into someone elses plans. Never actually negotiating, or "give or take" but always conforming to others. In doing that, I feel like I sold myself out a bit, and have lost that drive.  I know I've covered the whole "drive" thing before, and the more I think about it, the more reasons I come up with something different. I don't know what to do right now. I'm having a hard time even motivating myself to leave the apartment, even to do washing or shop the basics required to even live, not to mention how I'm even gonna resolve the money situation later....


The simplest solution is of course, to give up, go home, and just forget everything. Do what everyone else is doing and forget about my life and dreams here.


Theres many things that make me sad just now, some things I choose not to write about, knowing who reads here, and knowing also that there will be inquiries as to the reasonings for my sadness, should i put them out there, so its sorta a paradox.


Anyways, I'm giving up on this for now, and going to sleep. Probably need it



 
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Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

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