Well I got a little good news today, seems I got a-kassa (unemployment assistance) and looks like I'll be on a course by this time next week.

I got a message from someone today, which meant a lot. But at the same time, has left me sad. I care very deeply for her, but it feels so hard right now. Wanting so desperately to talk to her, I end up beating myself up over it. My imperfections, things I could have done better, things I have said or done, they all revolve around in my head. I know I need patience, but when I spend so much time inside these walls, thats all I can think about. It's sad and pathetic, but true. Selfishly, I just want to hold her, have her back again, and that would help. But my trust in people is shot, and thats not a good thing, I don't want to be paranoid or always wondering what she's thinking, or where I will be when she finally decides (if she hasn't already) that I am of no use.

On a whole, it just makes me sad. And now, more than I have been in a long time, I am very sad.

Started sorting tickets for a potential move home, chosen a date to make a decision, and the date I will book the ticket for. So if I decide to go, then the plans in place. Its true, I don't want to. But sometimes things just have to be done. Dad suggested going home for winter, and coming back here in spring, but I don't think that will help me. Finding work again here would be tough after a period away from Sweden, and to be honest, I don't know if I could survive that again, having to get started all over again, trying to get my life back on track here again. Especially since I know I will be alone...again...in a place where I often feel truly unwanted.

It's a lot of complaining, these past 12 months have been the hardest I think I have ever endured. Two failed relationships, both with girls, whether I choose to deny it or not, I love, or at least did. Lost my job, and just lost my drive and passion to keep pushing forward. I've had a meltdown, which I regret to say, someone witnessed. And probably for the first time ever, I questioned my ability and will to survive.

It has been tough, and it is very hard to pull myself up from that. And right now, I don't see how I can.

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