Direktlänk till inlägg 21 september 2009

Rubrik saknas

Av Gary Fraser - 21 september 2009 07:48

I'm gonna try and make this the last entry about her. It's hard. But its been dominant in my life the past month.

I think yesterday, I realised that I'd finally given up hope on her. Her incredible ability to build up a fake reality, and find excuses not to be happy with me has finally come through. Ever since she came back from overseas, it's been just one excuse after another, and for the most part, I've accepted them and let her simply behave like shit towards me.  When I went to see a psycologist after my big problems in May, she said that I was self-destructive. Looks like I found someone who wants to compete with me on that level.  What we  had before she went away was, I had thought, special. According to her, right up until about a day or two before she came home, she thought so too. Then something happened which made her change her mind. Her latest excuse was because I'd said I "loved her", although in my translation, I had said I "thought I was falling in love with her", which given the circumstances of being alone for two weeks without much human contact, and only sms' and the very odd phone call, may have enhanced certain feelings a little bit more than what they actually were.

Am I bitter? Yeah a little, I mean, she's beautiful, and when she wants to be, she can be smart, and funny, and just great fun to be around. Right up until she went away, things seemed to tick along great, if there were "problems" as have since been mentioned, then she did a good job to hide them. I was just happy, and content to stay here and see where it went, imagine my surprise that after two weeks I collected a very different person in Malmö who decided she wanted to stop this althogether, even if she didn't know it at the time.

The one thing that annoys me most right now is this whole "gift" thing we've been arguing about. For her birthday (in May), I bought her greenstone jewelry. Even then, she didn't seem to like it (i think I saw it worn once?). When she returned to Turkey, and on the day she walked out the door, she had gotten me two gifts, which I promptly returned, simply because I don't want reminders of the day she decided she didn't care. When I borrowed the greenstone for school, on a bit of a show and tell, she has since stated "oh you can keep it", but its not mine to keep. Her excuse is that I didn't want her gifts. The thing is, there was a difference. My gifts to her were given at a time where we were together, and we were happy, whereas hers are given at a time where we split up. Therefore if I loan those things that I got her, she is going to get them back, whether she likes it not, as where I come from, we don't disrespect other peoples stuff, which was why i returned her gifts, and didn't throw them out.

If one takes her behaviour as text book, then it would be clear that something, or someone, happened. It's become my experience that swedish girls (or at least the ones that I know) place a low value on staying together with someone and being honest. I've watched a friend be dishonest with her partner, and know full well that she has been unfaithful, and seen more than enough other girls, whom I know full well have boyfriends/husbands/significant others, out on the town, making out with guys, flirting something chronic. It's a strange thing, especially for me, given I've never cheated on someone before. If you are with somebody, then you respect that relationship, if you don't want to respect that relationship, then you shouldn't be there. Excuses don't cut it, if you're not happy, then leave, and then you can fuck whoever you like.

Of course, I'm not stupid enough to think I'm just the victim in this whole thing, I've said and done things which, if I could take back, I most certainly would, but for her to behave so,  not even try, and then, like yesterday, be basically as cold-hearted as she has been the whole time she's been back, makes it hard to maintain the feelings that got me through to this point.

I care for her so deeply, that much is true, when I see a photo of her, I become dizzy, or very sad, just because of what I feel I have lost. I don't feel I deserve to have lost it, after all the shit I've been through in my life up till now, I thought that I deserved to be happy with someone I cared about, but alas, as usual, it's not to be.

Whether she reads this, or even cares, I guess no one will ever really know, maybe not even herself. I wish it was different, I really do, but unfortunately, thats just the way it is. For what its worth, If you ever decide that you want to try again, you're always welcome, although to be perfectly honest, I doubt it.


    Kom ihåg mig



Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

Skaffa en gratis bloggwww.bloggplatsen.se