Direktlänk till inlägg 25 september 2009

Something that has to be fixed....

Av Gary Fraser - 25 september 2009 09:07

Well, it's another day  which I'll be operating on next-to-no sleep. Was up around 1am, doing släktforskning, thats nothing unusual, normally when I find a lead on something, time tends to slip away. The thing is, usually, if I'm having trouble finding someone, or something, there's a website I can turn to where people upload their family treers. Common ancesters of Susannas family are usually up there, so I can usually get tips about where and which year they were born or died, and work from that, it's not always accurate, but more often than not it helps.  But this family hadn't been found, at least not according to the 5 or 6 who had uploaded their family tree with these ancestors. So anyways, I got a lead, and then found who I was looking for, so around 2am I finished which I was looking for, and found some information I had been looking for since I started researching (over 2 years) which made me feel alright.


Cool, time for bed


One last check of email and facebook.


Pling, online she comes.


The worst thing about night time, is that I think too much, and invariably, with her, I beat myself up. I sat there, for an hour, Wondering why I couldn't hold her, be with her, thinking that it's all my fault, wondering what I'd done wrong, why I'd done it wrong, why I couldn't be happy with someone who had made me happy. I've been through the whole "it's not about you" crap, but then if it really wasn't about me, then things wouldn't be so.


So for a while, I sit there, trying to ignore the fact she's there. Watching tv or playing pointless games on facebook. Then I leave some silly message, hoping she might have something miraculous to say, of which she doesn't, and probably goes to bed.  And there I sit, wondering why things have happened the way they have, the past 3 months, and even the past 12 months.  13 Months ago, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend of 3 years, talking about buying a house, having a permanent job, and chasing my dreams, and getting ever closer to touching them......look at things now.


This isn't a "pity me" entry. this is a "things that affect me" entry. She does affect me, on every level, no matter how hard I try to  hide it. It sucks, because I know she has no feeling left, and it's only beating myself up, but right now it seems impossible to stop it when it starts....




 
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Kommentar

Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

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Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

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Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

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