Well, it's another day  which I'll be operating on next-to-no sleep. Was up around 1am, doing släktforskning, thats nothing unusual, normally when I find a lead on something, time tends to slip away. The thing is, usually, if I'm having trouble finding someone, or something, there's a website I can turn to where people upload their family treers. Common ancesters of Susannas family are usually up there, so I can usually get tips about where and which year they were born or died, and work from that, it's not always accurate, but more often than not it helps.  But this family hadn't been found, at least not according to the 5 or 6 who had uploaded their family tree with these ancestors. So anyways, I got a lead, and then found who I was looking for, so around 2am I finished which I was looking for, and found some information I had been looking for since I started researching (over 2 years) which made me feel alright.

Cool, time for bed

One last check of email and facebook.

Pling, online she comes.

The worst thing about night time, is that I think too much, and invariably, with her, I beat myself up. I sat there, for an hour, Wondering why I couldn't hold her, be with her, thinking that it's all my fault, wondering what I'd done wrong, why I'd done it wrong, why I couldn't be happy with someone who had made me happy. I've been through the whole "it's not about you" crap, but then if it really wasn't about me, then things wouldn't be so.

So for a while, I sit there, trying to ignore the fact she's there. Watching tv or playing pointless games on facebook. Then I leave some silly message, hoping she might have something miraculous to say, of which she doesn't, and probably goes to bed.  And there I sit, wondering why things have happened the way they have, the past 3 months, and even the past 12 months.  13 Months ago, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend of 3 years, talking about buying a house, having a permanent job, and chasing my dreams, and getting ever closer to touching them......look at things now.

This isn't a "pity me" entry. this is a "things that affect me" entry. She does affect me, on every level, no matter how hard I try to  hide it. It sucks, because I know she has no feeling left, and it's only beating myself up, but right now it seems impossible to stop it when it starts....

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