Alla inlägg den 30 september 2009

Av Gary Fraser - 30 september 2009 00:30

It's been an odd day I guess.

Got my first rejection email back for a job. I screwed up the application, and instead of editing my swedish, and attaching the CV, I accidentally clicked send, so I guess I deserved that. It had a "krav" of flytande svenska, which I don't have, especially not in writing.

After a week of no real contact, we talked today...well talked/argued/discussed/accused, take your pick, to avoid future arguments, I won't go into details, but basically it culminated in me being self-absorbed, and self-interested, only talking about myself, and that even if someone doesn't like the decision they're making, sometimes they have to make it. Apparently, people have noted that I only talk about myself, maybe it's true, and I don't notice it. I've been thinking about it all night, wondering if there is logic to it, and there probably is. I think it's a mixture of nervousness around other people, especially new people, and a desire to express myself, since I often feel that I don't get the opportunity. I'm sure there's more reasons for it, although I do feel it was slightly over-exaggerated.

What sorta  caught me out a bit, is the change in approach, from basically being completely cut off, since she came back, to all of a sudden wanting to be friends. When somebody hurts me, it is very hard for me to trust them again. And the way things ended up going after she came back, and the worthlessness I felt because of it, make it very hard for me to even consider opening up for her again. So what would being friends achieve? Asides from the fact that she's a constant reminder that when I find someone/something I want, it invariably goes away. We don't have just about anything in common, our personalities mean that we will clash, especially now that the physical side is taken out of it, and especially now I've been left feeling like talking about whats on my mind is bad, I see no real base on how anything other than an artificial friendship could be built.

Yet why can't I just break contact? She pressed and pressed for me to do it today, I guess maybe to give her some finality in the situation, although it seems she doesn't want to go through with it. From my end, I dunno, if I take that final decision one way or the other, I'm gonna feel crap, I feel crap when she's gone, I feel crap when she's there, simply because I just wanna be able to hold her and even make love. The crappiness comes from knowing she doesn't.

I know I should just get over it, I just can't. It was just that the whole time up until she went away, I felt so GOOD, for the first time in so long, probably since when I was first seeing Susanna. All the options seemed open to me, and all the problems so small, even when I had a big problem, it was reduced after a short period of time, because I had something great with someone.

I guess the whole loneliness thing is sorta a bit here and there, sure, I want company, I want people around me who care, and whom I can trust. People who don't try and hurt my feelings, and whom I can be relaxed around. If I can't have people whom I can be myself around,  then I would much rather be alone. The thing is, I've done this whole "alone with no one around me" thing before, and I made it through, asides from some intermittent company, I did it in Brisbane for nearly 8 months, and there I had no friends at all, no one to hang out with on weekends, and no cable tv. So if I have to, I will do it again.

Asides from ALL of that, there's not much doing. Got an appointment tomorrow, so sorta looking forward to that, and then to the weekend, where I might go out again....we'll see :)

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