Alla inlägg under september 2009

Av Gary Fraser - 2 september 2009 20:03

Well I got a little good news today, seems I got a-kassa (unemployment assistance) and looks like I'll be on a course by this time next week.

I got a message from someone today, which meant a lot. But at the same time, has left me sad. I care very deeply for her, but it feels so hard right now. Wanting so desperately to talk to her, I end up beating myself up over it. My imperfections, things I could have done better, things I have said or done, they all revolve around in my head. I know I need patience, but when I spend so much time inside these walls, thats all I can think about. It's sad and pathetic, but true. Selfishly, I just want to hold her, have her back again, and that would help. But my trust in people is shot, and thats not a good thing, I don't want to be paranoid or always wondering what she's thinking, or where I will be when she finally decides (if she hasn't already) that I am of no use.

On a whole, it just makes me sad. And now, more than I have been in a long time, I am very sad.

Started sorting tickets for a potential move home, chosen a date to make a decision, and the date I will book the ticket for. So if I decide to go, then the plans in place. Its true, I don't want to. But sometimes things just have to be done. Dad suggested going home for winter, and coming back here in spring, but I don't think that will help me. Finding work again here would be tough after a period away from Sweden, and to be honest, I don't know if I could survive that again, having to get started all over again, trying to get my life back on track here again. Especially since I know I will be a place where I often feel truly unwanted.

It's a lot of complaining, these past 12 months have been the hardest I think I have ever endured. Two failed relationships, both with girls, whether I choose to deny it or not, I love, or at least did. Lost my job, and just lost my drive and passion to keep pushing forward. I've had a meltdown, which I regret to say, someone witnessed. And probably for the first time ever, I questioned my ability and will to survive.

It has been tough, and it is very hard to pull myself up from that. And right now, I don't see how I can.

Av Gary Fraser - 2 september 2009 00:22

Well she finally walked out that door. I dunno if its forever, but I'm a short time away from finding out. I feel lied and cheated on. and feel like I'm twisted inside a bunch of secrets.

So, the idea is that if the situation doesn't improve before my last willys pay check, with either work or with her, I'm going home.

It's not what I want, in any sense of the word. I know what I'm going back to, and I know I will die inside, everything will disappear from my life, and I know it.  I will be but an empty shell of what remains in my life. And that won't ever return.

I don't know what to do anymore.  The old dreams of success in Europe, finding that perfect girl here, and seeing the world. They are gone. Replaced are much much darker dreams.

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