Its been a tough day, completely unmotivated.

Recent events have dominated on my mind.  Along with other things, I miss her, but at the same time I don't want to see her. Also the whole job situation, and the fact I'm actually yet to see ANY documentation that says I will get A-kassa paid out in the next month.

I dunno, so completely BLAH, wanna go out tomorrow but dunno......feel so crappy.

Thanks to all the people who had a read last month, it was my third best month ;) 113 doesn't sound like much, especially when I know some friends have over 300, or more, but for those of you who have given positive feedback and support.

Thanks :)

Yet another odd day, for some reason, I was LATE to everything, and I'm not usually late to formal appointments.

Had washing 11-3, didn't really have much, but put the first load in, and then....completely forgot.

Spent the afternoon doing släktforskning, a little job search, and chatting to a few people. About 2.55 I said to Brydolf (the cat) I was off to get food....looked at the time, and then FUCK! washing.....looked at the time and then FUCK! supposed to be at the trade centre now. Anyways, rushed downstairs, made a phone call saying I was delayed, put the washing in a communal area and just prayed it didn't get stolen, which, thankfully it didn't. It's not like me to be like that.....guess I was off in another world.

The meeting itself was rather positive, we've built a time line, and I've got two seperate appointments next week, so moving forwards in any case.

I feel reserved now on writing about my feelings on here regarding her, and the conversations we have, as well as how they affect me. Lately there's been a bit of pressure on me to make a decision one way or another, no contact at all or friends, and do the things friends do. The thing is, I don't want what "friends do", because I want to be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, and even, god forbid, make love to her, just like we used to. She said she's hurt by the whole thing just like me, but there inlies the problem, if it hurts her even half as much as she claims, then there was no reason to break up. No sane person causes themself pain deliberately. We had differences, on many (nearly all?) levels, however, when we were together, I felt good, and I'm sure she did too, so as long as we spent time together, then it shouldn't have been any major problem. But it didn't work out like that, and now because I don't want to see her, that means that I don't want contact anymore apparently.

Someone who has sorta seen how it developed, and how it suddenly fell apart, noted that it seemed she "wanted her cake and eat it too". From my perspective, it's hard to say, in fact, I don't know what to believe on anything anymore. My whole world from 6 months ago seems sorta distant and gone. Both good and bad.