Alla inlägg den 12 december 2009

Av Gary Fraser - 12 december 2009 21:40

Just as I start to get a grip on things, I seem to get dragged back down again.

"You always look so sad" "Why don't you socialise with people?" etc etc

And it all comes back to August, and emotionally I'm back to square one.

Servera has been really good, they're trying to help me get some free councilling, so I can get over these recurring depressions, as well as the bitterness I feel towards Sanna over the secrets, and my place in society here, and my general place in life. We'll see what happens, the're doing their best to treat me good, although when it comes to evenings, the thoughts in my head are just as dark. I hate, I fear, I want to cry, and then I just resign myself to the fact that things are the way they are, and there's fuck all I can do to change it.

Now, it's come down to a trust issue. I don't trust absolutely anything that requires outside assistance. I nearly booked off my trip to Göteborg this morning because I didn't think she'd show. And the thing is, it wasn't a date, nor anything like it. Just two friends going to Liseberg, and having a fun afternoon, but thats the way it is.

This is the way I live my life, this is what the last 6 months has done to me. I've cared for someone who was living her own little lie. I don't hate her for it, just the opposite actually, I wish I could fix it, but it has to be wanted on both sides, and that trust would have to be earned again. I've lost a job, which, although  I didn't enjoy doing, I put so much effort into, and watched it all waste away.

I've learnt that the people who genuinely care for me are so far away, and that makes me sad in a way, but the thing is, if I went to be with them, everything would change, they couldn't deal with the day-to-day of how I feel right now I think.

I feel shitty, feeling pretty much stuck in a paradox right now.

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