Alla inlägg den 25 december 2009

Av Gary Fraser - 25 december 2009 21:23

It's been a tough few days.

Yesterday I was just frustrated and annoyed, and today I'm just plain sad. This evening, on at least 3 occasions, I Just want to break down and cry, and just curl up. Everythings so hard, and days like today are just so hard to take. Watching Forrest Gump when I'm emotional doesn't help either.

It's a mix between being so lonely, and so sad, yet not being able to reach out to anyone. Everywhere I turn I always feel like there's someone ready to pull me down, and it's so hard to take. It's all well and good people saying "snap out of it" or "pull yourself together", but it's not that easy. When you're down in the hole, it's so tough to be able to pull yourself back up again. Make that 4 occasions now...and fourth time lucky.

Whichever choice I make, I can't seem to find the "light" in it. If I stay here, I'm doomed to labouring jobs, if I go home, I give up the dream, if I try in another country, all the trials and tribulations which I've managed to get through in being here, I'll have to do all over again. It feels like I need to go forward 30 years, and see what it is, I actually have to look forward to in life. If it's going to be like this in 30 years, where I'm just as unhappy with my life, then at least I know. The only thing which drags me out of bed in the morning, gets me to work, gets me home again, and feeds the cat at night is hope, pure and simple. But it feels like it's fading fast, and soon there'll be none left.

I'm 27, closing in on 28, and I feel like although I've gone a long way in terms of travelling distances, I've gone nowhere in life, and that I've let down all those who are close to me, that had so much hope in my potential grown up, that it's all gone to waste. I've got no family of my own, hell, I can't even hold down a relationship with decent people, I always do something to destroy it or drive them away. And I have no career, and no interest in anything....I feel like I'm a broken and used toy that's been shoved up in the attic.

All I need is that one person who can lift me up, and I had it, for nearly 9 months, I had all I needed from someone, and before her, for 3 years, I had a fantastic loving girlfriend....but for one reason or another, my decision or not, it wasn't enough, and I couldn't keep either of them.

It's Christmas day, and for the second year in a row, I'm on my own, crying, and feeling like there is no hope. That there's no future in store for me to look forward to. I'm sitting thousands of miles away from anyone who understands, and even if they were here, or I was there, what can be done? A few people have said "Oh it will change, things will get better", but who says? Maybe this is it? Maybe this is my life......In 27 years on this planet,  I've seen nothing to suggest that it WILL get better. From the day I was born, it's been a battle against the world to feel like I fit in, to have others accept me for what I can offer, and what I can do, but the thing is, I'm tired, and I've lost that will to fight, which was so strong when I moved here 3.5 years ago.

And now I don't know what to do anymore.

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