Alla inlägg under januari 2010

Av Gary Fraser - 27 januari 2010 20:07

Been a full on week this week. Worked 12 hour today (give or take 15 minutes) so pretty tired, but definitely determined to stay up and watch the football that starts in an hour with a cold one. Work is improving, and the error rate is dropping, which is good, releases some of the stress.

Had my first meeting on Monday, she's pretty good, although of course I did most of the talking. I was pretty stressed, so a few dates I got a bit muddled, but otherwise, it seemed to go well, and I have my next meeting on the tenth.

She asked a lot about my (remaining) friends and family, getting a grip on my support network I guess. And I came to some realisations on some things (and someone) which, due to the public nature of this blog, and some of the people who read it, I won't be sharing.

Was feeling a bit.....surprised? last night, was just chatting, and bang, was alone, just like that. The nature of it seemed a bit strange, and I guess  I'm seeing something that wasn't there, but left me a bit sad none the less.

The external arrived, and I'm a bit pissed, because It won't install WIN7, which doesn't install on externals or plug n plays. A bit annoyed, because it means I require an external, at around 650 kronor. As if I didn't have enough bills already. Dad's gonna help out  (again) although I gotta stop letting myself be a charity case. Not good for the self confidence.

Asides from that, not a great deal happening, overtime again tomorrow. Looking REALLY forward to my payslip next month.

Av Gary Fraser - 24 januari 2010 15:19

Off to cricket soon :) Had a super nice early afternoon.

It's nice to hang around with someone who's understanding of my depression, and that we seem to understand how each other think.  Makes me feel a lot more relaxed and better about myself, and it's not often that i don't feel 100 times better after we talk. Sat there watching fat people on tv, and admittedly, on the dancing program, with some of those outfits, there was outbreaks of laughter, the designer should be shot!.

Anyways, off down the road now, hopefully I'll find the place ok, we'll soon see :)

Av Gary Fraser - 23 januari 2010 00:24

An ok day, work was dull as usual, but ended up out tonight, and had a good evening. All the guys were rugby fanatics, so having someone from New Zealand made it easy to fit in. Watched a little handball, then nice dinner and chat, and after a solid hour in the bastu. Was sorta good, and relaxing at the same time, lots of laughs, and they want me to come back again, which is good.

Asides from that, not a lot doing. Quiet day at home cleaning tomorrow I think, and then going to Malmö on Sunday afternoon to play cricket, after a little coffee with Nilsson at some point I hope.

Looking forward to money, and clearing a large chunk of my debts in one go. So glad I'm starting to move forward again, but we'll have to see how long things last, just as soon as I start getting on top of things, something happens to drag me down.

Av Gary Fraser - 22 januari 2010 01:44

Quarter to two, and wide awake thanks to an email I got. I'm so angry and stressed I'm shaking. But, apparently I'm not allowed to share my thoughts on it, or else I'll get another email saying "so and so said this".  so fuck it, fine, I won't write ANYTHING regarding that subject again, despite the pain and bitterness it causes me, I know what I've seen and read, so despite everything, even if I don't write it, I'll think it. Happy now? Good, leave me the fuck alone.

Just want to clear my head, forget everything regarding it existed and move on. Most likely, I'll never be able to truly do that before I leave here. I don't trust people easily, and when I feel like that trust has been lost, it's impossible for me to give it back, and I felt that most people in my life has abused and lost that trust, so now I feel alone, but I can deal, because before yesterday evening, it's the best I've felt in over a year, simply because I know that anything I have in my life isn't false.

But ok, I'll draw a line under everything. Forget these people ever existed, and know that I'm far better off without them. It's a learning experience, and I'll come out of it knowing that I won't allow anyone to let me feel like that again.

I will try and sleep again now. Another long day at work ahead.

Av Gary Fraser - 21 januari 2010 18:10

I really am a sucker for punishment. the week had been going ok, the depression wasn't too bad, and was easily managable. Then I got a comment on a photo on facebook, which involved her, and I clicked, and of course, nosey, nosey, saw the New Years photos, with, naturally, the pathological liar having his arm around her. Yeah it is jealousy, to a point. The thing is, it's not the jealousy where I want her back, it's the jealousy that he doesn't deserve that luxury. Mind, she can do what she wants, and no doubt, she probably is.

So yeap, dragged myself down again, and it's not very fun being here, that much is certain. Have my first appointment next week, and hope to finally clear things out with how angry I am, over her and her bullshit and secrets, and all the other crap that's happened over the past 6 months. Dunno how it will go, but i hope I get to have an appointment more than once a month.

Still no closer to allowing anyone in, have had a little interest in someone, but that's not worked out (of course), mind doesn't help when you're all bitter and twisted.

Anyways, more overtime at work tomorrow, and then a "gathering" out in Tylösand, they want me to come into town later, but I have neither the money nor the interest in doing so.

Av Gary Fraser - 17 januari 2010 22:10

Been a tough weekend....Friday was completely ok, but yesterday and today, battling with my head, and with outside influences again.

I'd let down the defences a little, and I really shouldn't have, because I just left myself feeling a little let down and my isolation just felt so much worse.

So back to basics. I'll go back to my own little shell again now.

"If I'd never loved I never would have felt no pain". ......I am a rock.

Av Gary Fraser - 16 januari 2010 20:08

So much for pizza and a movie. I know someone out there will be smiling at this.

Working tomorrow, but have no drive at the moment. Absolutely lost all interest in everything again, and just want to curl up and sleep forever. Feeling very sad right now.

So be it, just a regular day in the life.

Av Gary Fraser - 16 januari 2010 13:22

Had a night out last night, was completely ok. Went round to a work mates place, had a few drinks, and then went into Harrys. I didn't want to go into town, but I let myself be talked into it, and we ended up there until closing time, checking out the girls, and just discussing anything and everything under the sun. Ran into a few people I knew, but was really happy I didn't run into Sanna, Madde or any of the other former Willys "friends" I had. So overall it was a good night. In no hurry to go out on the town again though.

Woke up this morning to a lot of noise from my computer, and have since found out the boot sector is fucked. Really pissed about it, but not much I can do, a new external hard drive should be arriving early next week, so basically the computer just has to last until then. Then I can get the new windows system on the external, and send in the hard drive for warranty repairs.

Football on tv soon :) Then later going to Mikaela for pizza and movies. Looking forward to it :)

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