Alla inlägg den 2 januari 2010

Av Gary Fraser - 2 januari 2010 01:16

It's been an odd start to the new years

I'm depressed, always have been. But it's a different feeling. Not one of complete and utter sadness...but more of.....emptiness now. It's a bit weird.

I think it has to do with some decisions that were made with the turning of the new year. Had a nice NY' eve dinner with a few old work mates, came home, talked to Mum, and then was upset...but then decided it was time to break some times which were pulling me down (it's a common  theme lately) and basically pull my life back to the bare minimum.

Nowadays its just me and Brydolf, I don't socialise much, and I feel very uncomfortable being around people. Just to go out and socialise, I feel the need to have to do something to release the stress, be it work out, take a shot of alcohol or talk with a family member.

The thing is, I've turned to specific music, which is angry and bitter music, pretty much because it represents how I feel about those who were close to me, before the "great fall". I feel cheated in most aspects, in that those who were near to me proved to be so false or fake. I dunno. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I spoke to the culprit of the other days entry, who of course denied everything, to which two different people said immediately "he's lying". I don't really care, honestly I don't, I just don't like it when people can't have the decency to show respect to me, when I've held a level of respect to them.

I guess to a point, I'm looking for the easy-out. I don't have the energy or drive to actually resolve the problems in my life anymore, and the easy-out seems like the only option. But it's always been in my life that just when I think I can't bear it anymore, or I can't survive, something always seems to pop up to temporarily relieve the pressure. It's something that's been present my whole life, for as long back as I can remember.

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