Direktlänk till inlägg 2 januari 2010

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Av Gary Fraser - 2 januari 2010 01:16

It's been an odd start to the new years


I'm depressed, always have been. But it's a different feeling. Not one of complete and utter sadness...but more of.....emptiness now. It's a bit weird.


I think it has to do with some decisions that were made with the turning of the new year. Had a nice NY' eve dinner with a few old work mates, came home, talked to Mum, and then was upset...but then decided it was time to break some times which were pulling me down (it's a common  theme lately) and basically pull my life back to the bare minimum.


Nowadays its just me and Brydolf, I don't socialise much, and I feel very uncomfortable being around people. Just to go out and socialise, I feel the need to have to do something to release the stress, be it work out, take a shot of alcohol or talk with a family member.


The thing is, I've turned to specific music, which is angry and bitter music, pretty much because it represents how I feel about those who were close to me, before the "great fall". I feel cheated in most aspects, in that those who were near to me proved to be so false or fake. I dunno. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.


I spoke to the culprit of the other days entry, who of course denied everything, to which two different people said immediately "he's lying". I don't really care, honestly I don't, I just don't like it when people can't have the decency to show respect to me, when I've held a level of respect to them.


I guess to a point, I'm looking for the easy-out. I don't have the energy or drive to actually resolve the problems in my life anymore, and the easy-out seems like the only option. But it's always been in my life that just when I think I can't bear it anymore, or I can't survive, something always seems to pop up to temporarily relieve the pressure. It's something that's been present my whole life, for as long back as I can remember.




 
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Kommentar

Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

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