Looking back in hindsight, which I have all the more time to do these days, I regret ever taking the job at Willys. It brought to the fore things which I didn't want to know, about other people, about myself, and my future here, in general. Things would have been very different, quite possibly happier. I wouldn't have had the permanent job which put the pressure on (and ended) my previous relationship, although quite possibly it would have ended anyways. I also wouldn't have had the 6 months of hell I endured. I'm starting to get over it, by getting rid of the worst parts of that time, and a new job now, but the scars still remain, and most certainly, there's plenty left to fill the gaps to keep trying to make it worse.

As I've said before, yes I am bitter, and no, I don't need anyone to be able to survive, as long as I have a job, then everything else is secondary.

I remember the night she walked out, I was lying in bed, really upset, and music came on, and that Phil Collins song came on, which I'm sure I've quoted before, but that one line stuck out, and whether Iliked it or not, I knew it to be the truth

"And I know in my heart of hearts, that I'm never going to hold you again". I sorta wonder if I'll ever hold someone the same again... the way things are, I doubt it, seriously. The whole thing has left me warped and twisted, to the point where I don't trust anyone, because of the hypocrisies which I've encountered. Not just from one, but from many.

Could well have been just the wrong crowd. Who knows. To a point, it was fun while it lasted, the sex was great, just unfortunate that the peronalities didn't fit in together, and that all I wanted, which was honesty and clarity, and keeping to your promises, was clearly too much for many to uphold.

Anyways, up for work in 7 hours, I'm going to try (and no doubt fail) to sleep.

It can be nice, instead of just sad, sometimes, to find out what people are really made of. Making promises, especially about "neutrality" and then being utterly and totally full of shit. But so be it. It was nice to figure it out sooner rather than later. At least this time it didn't take 9 months.

That asides, just a quiet day today, the novelty of snow is wearing off, and getting a bit tired of it and having to de-ice my car every goddamned morning. Nice to see that my weight is dropping off, which will be due to the copious amounts of water I'm drinking at work. Still training every morning before work (when we don't have a holiday at least), and working on improving my strength.

Haven't really spoken to Dad much over the past 24 hours, had wanted to get up early, just to catch up, but didn't wake up until 11. Basically it feels like any time when I don't have a time limit, I can sleep forever. Some days, like today, I wish I had.

Having trouble getting in contact with the psycologist, she's never there after 4pm, and I have no mobile signal at work, so i can never get in touch with her. Hopefully she'll ring after 4 tomorrow.

Anyways, it's 3pm, I'm sick of today, so I'm going back to bed, seems to be the only place where I can be relaxed.