Looking back in hindsight, which I have all the more time to do these days, I regret ever taking the job at Willys. It brought to the fore things which I didn't want to know, about other people, about myself, and my future here, in general. Things would have been very different, quite possibly happier. I wouldn't have had the permanent job which put the pressure on (and ended) my previous relationship, although quite possibly it would have ended anyways. I also wouldn't have had the 6 months of hell I endured. I'm starting to get over it, by getting rid of the worst parts of that time, and a new job now, but the scars still remain, and most certainly, there's plenty left to fill the gaps to keep trying to make it worse.

As I've said before, yes I am bitter, and no, I don't need anyone to be able to survive, as long as I have a job, then everything else is secondary.

I remember the night she walked out, I was lying in bed, really upset, and music came on, and that Phil Collins song came on, which I'm sure I've quoted before, but that one line stuck out, and whether Iliked it or not, I knew it to be the truth

"And I know in my heart of hearts, that I'm never going to hold you again". I sorta wonder if I'll ever hold someone the same again... the way things are, I doubt it, seriously. The whole thing has left me warped and twisted, to the point where I don't trust anyone, because of the hypocrisies which I've encountered. Not just from one, but from many.

Could well have been just the wrong crowd. Who knows. To a point, it was fun while it lasted, the sex was great, just unfortunate that the peronalities didn't fit in together, and that all I wanted, which was honesty and clarity, and keeping to your promises, was clearly too much for many to uphold.

Anyways, up for work in 7 hours, I'm going to try (and no doubt fail) to sleep.

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