Direktlänk till inlägg 10 januari 2010

Rubrik saknas

Av Gary Fraser - 10 januari 2010 01:42

Been a tough day, had a lot of time to think, and finalised some decisions I guess.


Said a final goodbye to Sanna, it was by email, which isn't the best way, but I think it had to be done, at least for closure in my mind. I don't think I'll get a reply, who knows.


The whole thing makes me sad, because it was the final acceptance that the dream was dead. I'd always hoped things would somehow miraculously revive themselves, and the last conversation we had, both revived, and completely killed that dream, all within the space of around 40 minutes. I cared so deeply, yet, it wasn't enough, and to be honest, I never did believe I was good enough, and I'm smart enough to know, she never stopped looking around. By saying it was "the starting" of a relationship, showed that it obviously didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. It's sad, I'm sad, in fact I'm heartbroken in a way, but there's little I can do. The thing is, there's nothing, without some magical change of heart, and erosion of the unbreakable stubbornness she had, that would change, and we're just going to keep hurting each other, so it seems best to break as many ties linking us together, and let her get on with her life. She'll stay in my dreams for a long time to come, that much is sure, she was special and very dear to me, to the point where I did want to take her home, and introduce her to my family and friends, and I haven't done that with many of my ex's. No matter what, when I think about our relationship, it will always feel like it was something great that went unfulfilled.


Speaking of breaking ties, I've broken them with several Willys people. People I either didn't talk to, were strong friends of hers, or people that I just don't trust anymore. It felt easier, that way I'd avoid seeing comments on facebook more often, and also, it would be more beneficial to my state of mind. Someone has said that they're worried that I'm going to turn around one day and find myself all alone, the thing is, it's too late, I already am in nearly every way. I get up, I go to work, I come home, and that's it. I have absolutely no interest in going out, meeting new people, or socialising, simply because I can't trust anymore.


On other things, works going ok, had a bit of an "off" day on Friday, and made some small mistakes, just wasn't concentrating, and need to focus, to get things back on track again on Monday. Still training, and it's still going well, arms are starting to look nice :) Got my first appointment at Landstinget on the 25th, and then hope it will be a lot more frequent after that than having to wait nearly a month for an appointment.


Sunday clean today/tomorrow. Had hoped to get my hair cut at some point this weekend, but sadly I'm flat broke, as usual, and will be for another two weeks, I hope the headaches don't come too often :(



 
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Kommentar

Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearl...

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

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