Alla inlägg under januari 2010

Av Gary Fraser - 11 januari 2010 22:23

Busy day today, due to sicknesses at work, I had to go back into receiving goods, and it was ok, got left on my own again as usual, but managed just fine.

Got my haircut, finally, (thanks dad) and treated myself to some delikatess meats from an acquiantance in town, which was nice, and I ate far too much this evening (heavy training tomorrow, for sure).

Looks like I resolved the Kronofogden problem, and if I meet all my debts this month (which I will) I won't have any anmärkningar (black marks) on my payment record, which means I'll still be able to get credit, loans, etc,  in the future when I need them.

Feel a lot less depressed today. I have a feeling it has to do with events that happened yesterday. Yeap, they were tough, and she'll always be the girl that could've been, but she's gone. It was her choice to leave in the first place, so basically it was better this way, for both of us. She doesn't need or want me, and that's just the way it is. I'm trying to move on the best I can now, and have my sights set on other things.

Not much planned for tomorrow. Going to work as usual, but nothing booked in for afterwards. Will probably just come home and chill with the dolf. When he's not wanting food he's the best cat around I reckon, he just likes to hang out and sit on my lap. Couldn't ask for more when I'm feeling alone.

Av Gary Fraser - 10 januari 2010 23:03

Just a quick one tonight before bedtime.

Had my final conversation with Sanna earlier, it made me sad, and yeap, of course, I cried a little for what was lost, but there's nothing that can be done anymore. 

It's never easy saying goodbye to someone you thought was a dream girl, but as has been just proven, dreams can turn to nightmares.

Back to work tomorrow, hoping things will go well tomorrow and that I can concentrate better than I did on Friday, definitely need an improvement on performance.

There's certain things I miss about my "old" life of 6 months ago, but it seems so distant now, that it doesn't even seem worthwhile to think about it anymore. I'm changing more and more daily, to the point where a lot of people who I used to know won't recognise me anymore. Even one of my friends whom I've known most of the time I've been in Sweden has said that I'm a far-different person than that "young excitable and driven" person that I used to be, 3 years ago. That sorta makes me sad in a way.

Av Gary Fraser - 10 januari 2010 01:42

Been a tough day, had a lot of time to think, and finalised some decisions I guess.

Said a final goodbye to Sanna, it was by email, which isn't the best way, but I think it had to be done, at least for closure in my mind. I don't think I'll get a reply, who knows.

The whole thing makes me sad, because it was the final acceptance that the dream was dead. I'd always hoped things would somehow miraculously revive themselves, and the last conversation we had, both revived, and completely killed that dream, all within the space of around 40 minutes. I cared so deeply, yet, it wasn't enough, and to be honest, I never did believe I was good enough, and I'm smart enough to know, she never stopped looking around. By saying it was "the starting" of a relationship, showed that it obviously didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. It's sad, I'm sad, in fact I'm heartbroken in a way, but there's little I can do. The thing is, there's nothing, without some magical change of heart, and erosion of the unbreakable stubbornness she had, that would change, and we're just going to keep hurting each other, so it seems best to break as many ties linking us together, and let her get on with her life. She'll stay in my dreams for a long time to come, that much is sure, she was special and very dear to me, to the point where I did want to take her home, and introduce her to my family and friends, and I haven't done that with many of my ex's. No matter what, when I think about our relationship, it will always feel like it was something great that went unfulfilled.

Speaking of breaking ties, I've broken them with several Willys people. People I either didn't talk to, were strong friends of hers, or people that I just don't trust anymore. It felt easier, that way I'd avoid seeing comments on facebook more often, and also, it would be more beneficial to my state of mind. Someone has said that they're worried that I'm going to turn around one day and find myself all alone, the thing is, it's too late, I already am in nearly every way. I get up, I go to work, I come home, and that's it. I have absolutely no interest in going out, meeting new people, or socialising, simply because I can't trust anymore.

On other things, works going ok, had a bit of an "off" day on Friday, and made some small mistakes, just wasn't concentrating, and need to focus, to get things back on track again on Monday. Still training, and it's still going well, arms are starting to look nice :) Got my first appointment at Landstinget on the 25th, and then hope it will be a lot more frequent after that than having to wait nearly a month for an appointment.

Sunday clean today/tomorrow. Had hoped to get my hair cut at some point this weekend, but sadly I'm flat broke, as usual, and will be for another two weeks, I hope the headaches don't come too often :(

Av Gary Fraser - 6 januari 2010 21:43

Looking back in hindsight, which I have all the more time to do these days, I regret ever taking the job at Willys. It brought to the fore things which I didn't want to know, about other people, about myself, and my future here, in general. Things would have been very different, quite possibly happier. I wouldn't have had the permanent job which put the pressure on (and ended) my previous relationship, although quite possibly it would have ended anyways. I also wouldn't have had the 6 months of hell I endured. I'm starting to get over it, by getting rid of the worst parts of that time, and a new job now, but the scars still remain, and most certainly, there's plenty left to fill the gaps to keep trying to make it worse.

As I've said before, yes I am bitter, and no, I don't need anyone to be able to survive, as long as I have a job, then everything else is secondary.

I remember the night she walked out, I was lying in bed, really upset, and music came on, and that Phil Collins song came on, which I'm sure I've quoted before, but that one line stuck out, and whether Iliked it or not, I knew it to be the truth

"And I know in my heart of hearts, that I'm never going to hold you again". I sorta wonder if I'll ever hold someone the same again... the way things are, I doubt it, seriously. The whole thing has left me warped and twisted, to the point where I don't trust anyone, because of the hypocrisies which I've encountered. Not just from one, but from many.

Could well have been just the wrong crowd. Who knows. To a point, it was fun while it lasted, the sex was great, just unfortunate that the peronalities didn't fit in together, and that all I wanted, which was honesty and clarity, and keeping to your promises, was clearly too much for many to uphold.

Anyways, up for work in 7 hours, I'm going to try (and no doubt fail) to sleep.

Av Gary Fraser - 6 januari 2010 14:51

It can be nice, instead of just sad, sometimes, to find out what people are really made of. Making promises, especially about "neutrality" and then being utterly and totally full of shit. But so be it. It was nice to figure it out sooner rather than later. At least this time it didn't take 9 months.

That asides, just a quiet day today, the novelty of snow is wearing off, and getting a bit tired of it and having to de-ice my car every goddamned morning. Nice to see that my weight is dropping off, which will be due to the copious amounts of water I'm drinking at work. Still training every morning before work (when we don't have a holiday at least), and working on improving my strength.

Haven't really spoken to Dad much over the past 24 hours, had wanted to get up early, just to catch up, but didn't wake up until 11. Basically it feels like any time when I don't have a time limit, I can sleep forever. Some days, like today, I wish I had.

Having trouble getting in contact with the psycologist, she's never there after 4pm, and I have no mobile signal at work, so i can never get in touch with her. Hopefully she'll ring after 4 tomorrow.

Anyways, it's 3pm, I'm sick of today, so I'm going back to bed, seems to be the only place where I can be relaxed.

Av Gary Fraser - 3 januari 2010 21:02

Shit day today...pretty much nothing went the way I wanted it to.

Fixed up, and cleaned out the car, so thats a positive. Dishes aren't finished, but partially done. Got a message, regarding my post yesterday, nothing else mentioned, just that one small fact, but haven't come to expect anything else anymore. So just didn't respond

United lost, and it had to be one of the most terrible performances I've seen. I don't tend to get angry at the telly very often (like, never) but I screamed and yelled a fair bit today. Thats how frustrating it was.

Had won a poker tournament on Friday, which qualified me for a bigger one today, and then proceeded to get knocked out very quickly, due to lack of concentration and just poor play.

Today is a fuck-off of those days that can fuck off.

Back to work tomorrow, and routine again. Looking forward to it, although at least one more day off this week....looking forward to the 5-day working week again.

Time to wind down for the night, I hope I can sleep better than I did last night (4.30am I finally fell asleep).

Av Gary Fraser - 3 januari 2010 01:18

Slow day today, achieved nothing, and basically only got my washing done.

Read something just now, which I wish I hadn't. I dunno why I care, but it still hurts. Whatever/whoever it is she dreams on, hope it makes her happy.

Talked to Madde today too....feels like the gulf in what we believe in regarding friendship is getting wider and wider. I want people who call themselves friends to actually stand up for it, but I think she has other ideas. I dunno, the more I learn about her, the more she becomes just like Sanna, in her personality, and her behaviours....

Busy day tomorrow/today, gotta finish fixing the car, do the dishes, clean the house, the United game is on, sort myself out for the new working week, and fit in some work out time, becoming impressed with my biceps, they're starting to build up, although the weight aspect isn't really changing much yet, it's something I really have to work on.

At least tonight, the sadness isn't alcohol induced, got a little tipsy last night, probably a bit too much. I think the sadness will be something that will never really go away, as long as there's something to remind me of her. 

After discussing a few things with Mikaela, I'm gonna look into getting some help during the week. Make a few contacts and try and get to the root of the issues.

The break up with Sanna is one of the major ones, the way she treated me, and the way things went down removed all confidence (or what little I had) in myself, and although its not fair just to blame her, since i haven't exactly made it easy for myself, she is to blame, whether she (or her friends) like it or not.

Yes, I am unwell, I can admit that, and given the very dark thoughts that enter my mind daily, regarding her, my life, my future (or lack thereof) and my general self--worth, I am in danger of losing control of my life. I just hope that if/when I do get help again, it won't be like the last time.

I'm not going to be able to sleep, I just know it, so a long night lies ahead of me.

Av Gary Fraser - 2 januari 2010 01:16

It's been an odd start to the new years

I'm depressed, always have been. But it's a different feeling. Not one of complete and utter sadness...but more of.....emptiness now. It's a bit weird.

I think it has to do with some decisions that were made with the turning of the new year. Had a nice NY' eve dinner with a few old work mates, came home, talked to Mum, and then was upset...but then decided it was time to break some times which were pulling me down (it's a common  theme lately) and basically pull my life back to the bare minimum.

Nowadays its just me and Brydolf, I don't socialise much, and I feel very uncomfortable being around people. Just to go out and socialise, I feel the need to have to do something to release the stress, be it work out, take a shot of alcohol or talk with a family member.

The thing is, I've turned to specific music, which is angry and bitter music, pretty much because it represents how I feel about those who were close to me, before the "great fall". I feel cheated in most aspects, in that those who were near to me proved to be so false or fake. I dunno. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I spoke to the culprit of the other days entry, who of course denied everything, to which two different people said immediately "he's lying". I don't really care, honestly I don't, I just don't like it when people can't have the decency to show respect to me, when I've held a level of respect to them.

I guess to a point, I'm looking for the easy-out. I don't have the energy or drive to actually resolve the problems in my life anymore, and the easy-out seems like the only option. But it's always been in my life that just when I think I can't bear it anymore, or I can't survive, something always seems to pop up to temporarily relieve the pressure. It's something that's been present my whole life, for as long back as I can remember.

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