Alla inlägg under februari 2010

Av Gary Fraser - 28 februari 2010 19:16

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6IO5EN49hY


Use to be so easy
To give my heart away
But I found that the haeartache
was the price you have to pay
I found that that love is no friend of mine
I should have know'n time after time

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Use to be so easy
Fall in love again
But I found that the heartache
It's a roll that leeds to pain
I found that love is more than just a game
Play and to win
but you loose just the same

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I seal you face
You will my heart
there's an emty space
Used to be

(SOLO)

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Golden days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you

ANNONS
Av Gary Fraser - 28 februari 2010 18:59

Not really blogging that much these days, don't really feel the need, and often I don't feel like sharing my thoughts when I know certain undesirable people have access to them, joys of a blog, and I guess I could just change blog address, but can't be assed.


Lots has been happening. Working heaps, which isn't anything new, but saving for a trip to Paris in April to go stay with Astride for a weekend, nothings confirmed, but looking positive, and will book the tickets next pay, and who knows what will happen, maybe things will pick up again. Planning other trips too over the coming months, and of course, planning for the big trip home at Christmas to see my family, so things are definitely progressing forward. The Contract for the apartment is done and dusted, which is nice, now just the stress of changing over the Internet and TV left to resolve. Looking forward to moving on with my life and continuing cleaning out the "closet" of memories that have come about during my time living in this place. It's sorta strange, everything bad happened as soon as I moved in here.


Also got some good news this week. Looks like I'll be becoming a permanent resident very soon, which is nice. No more stress about risking deportation, and now that opens up the entirety of Europe to me without having to start again. Got even better on Friday, having dinner with Mikaela. Had HEAPS of fun, lots of laughing, and it seems we share some of the same sick humour, which is really good. Unfortunately the evening's fun got curtailed with a phone call from Willys saying that Jennie had gone home and that her grandfather was dying. Very sad to hear.


Was down in Malmö yesterday, playing cricket, but was REALLY disappointed, because only 5 people showed up, and I was having trouble with my bowling action again, although one of the guys attributes it to the hall that we'd changed to. I dunno, hope it's not a permanent thing. Worked this morning, and then went to Olivers to watch the Carling Cup final, which, despite being slightly tainted by a neanderthal idiot, was good to watch. The food was good, and company too, and even better, United won :)


Still having my up and down days, more up than down now, although I still feel sad over several aspects of my life, and the things that have gone, but some of the "true" friends that I have, who have remained through all the bullshit and lies that I was surrounded in, have helped me through, and some new ones have come in, so it feels like to those former people I just feel like it's a big resounding "FUCK YOU" to all the people who hurt me, and that nothing is going to stop me. But it feels good not to put so much energy on hating those people.


Suppose that'll have to do for updates for now. Will try and update a little more often during the weeks.

ANNONS
Av Gary Fraser - 20 februari 2010 22:24

Alone days are always the toughest.


You think alot, you process events, information, and feelings, and see where you stand at the end of it.


I don't like where I stand in life, that much is clear. I'm not happy with my position in life, where I'm going, where I've been. Of course, what can I do to change it? Admittedly it has to start with my appearance. I'm unhappy with my body, and thats the easiest thing to change in a short period of time.


So, again, I want to try and get down in weight, and there's only one way to do it.

I think, with all the changes that are happening around me, I can hop on the bandwagon and make things easier.


Personally, internally, I'm still a mess, I accept that, and I'm doing what I can to change it. But for just one thing, that I wish in life, is to have someone to hold, every now and again, just chill out, cuddle on the sofa, and share my life with someone. I thought I'd found someone who fitted everything perfectly, but she disagreed, and needed to find a way out. So be it, but even thinking of finding someone else I can trust shakes me to my bones.


To a point, my humour is returning, some of the personality that I used to have, which made it so easy to get along with people is coming back, but it will always be damaged, and tinged with sadness it feels. Over the life that I lost, the love that I lost, and the person whom I was, that I don't feel I could ever be again

Av Gary Fraser - 17 februari 2010 21:23

Well, it was a good day at work, was positive and happy and laughing. Even managed to get some Lamb cheaply, so in terms of work (asides from the usual accident) it was a pretty good day.


Come home, and everything changes. I'm tired, short tempered, feeling like crap, and just generally hate everything I am. I look at everyone else, and they're moving on with their lives, meeting new people, finding what it is that they're searching for. I feel like I'm just going backwards.


Supposed to be hanging out on Sunday, but just feel that she'd be much happier hanging out with the person who makes her so happy, even if they don't want to spend 24/7 together, it stills feels like he could at least provide her with a better afternoon than I ever could (no dirtiness intended).


I dunno, I don't think its "feeling sorry for myself" it's more "seeing no worth in my presence around others"

Av Gary Fraser - 16 februari 2010 22:43

Well, new computer, so glad for the ability to do stuff again, couldn't blog from my mobile, wouldn't let me log in. It's quite late tonight, so I'll keep this one short.


Been to Stockholm, had a fair bit of fun there, didn't really drink much, but played a bit of rugby, and then ended up in Malmö on Sunday to play cricket, was good to keep the activities going, even though it did hurt a bit the next day.


Having it a little tough at work on several days, very easily irritated, and it bothers me the attitude some of the people have taken, just expecting others to clean up after them. I understand that OFFICIALLY they're doing nothing wrong, but fuck, it doesn't hurt to think about your fellow workers.


Last weekend, in Malmö again, this time to party. Was great hanging out with the guys, and lots of fun was had. It's so much more fun hanging out somewhere outside of Halmstad, no stresses, no worries about anything, just relax, and enjoy the moment. Some of the guys have a few issues with alcohol I reckon, but all in all it was a helluva fun night.´Even I got refused service (and I wasn't even drunk!) A nice fika with a good friend has also come about, a few laughs, and mackor, made for a good evening last thursday.


So, New computer, new car in the works hopefully, and new apartment sometime during May/start of June, so its all happening. Hopefully I can transform my life, and forget all  the shit, and some of the people who caused it, and learn from the shit which I caused myself.

On the darker side, I'm still having issues with the self-confidence. Over time, it really should be recovery, but in reality, it's just getting worse. The psychologist said that I have to start being my best friend, to which I thougt "Well I won't trust anyone else to do it."  It helps sometimes, but I always come home feeling so much more stressed, headachy, and just generally exhausted. It's never a positive feeling after, just emptiness.


Most of the time now, I feel almost human, but sometimes I just can't stop the feelings dragging me down. Pretty much everyone whom I've been interested in since her  have been out of my league, and they know it, and in one case, said it.  But that's life, and that's going to be my life I feel. I will survive, even if sometimes I don't want to.





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