Alla inlägg den 18 april 2010

Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearly four hours of waiting in the cold, I couldn't get mad, just sad.


I'm sad about everything. Even the fact I'm going away this week makes me sad. Simply because it adds stress, and makes me regret that I did something so rash. I'm no longer the person who acts first and thinks later, I'm more "doesn't act at all", because I've become afraid of the consequences.


And it's not her fault, most of it never was, and yes, I guess it's taken me 6 months of anger, crying, hating  and everything else to come to that conclusion, but I hit a wall, and I'm yet to get up, despite the trying.

Depression sucks, naturally, it's supposed to, if it didn't suck, everyone would do it . I have always had trouble battling it, along with lack of self-confidence, belief in my appearance, ability, personality and pretty much everything else that goes with it.


I know many who read this will just go "yeah yeah, it's just another sop story"  but it's not really. After one gets knocked down so many times, it becomes harder and harder to get up again. And still I lurch from one crisis to another. I can only remember one time in the past 2 years where I have been well and truly happy, and I would kill to have that back again.

Sitting in the car, waiting for my ride, I had plenty of time to think. A realisation (which I had known all along, but did my best to ignore) is that I can't keep continuing along this line, of not making ends meet, being sad all the time, struggling against everything and everyone to feel like I fit in. If I do, I won't make it to my 30th birthday, because it will all become to much again. Just like it did last year.


It feels safer noow, locking myself away a bit. I still socialise a little, but not very often, and I don't go out to town. Mostly because I've become a bit more reserved, I don't get asked out often either. But then that's to be expected.


Anyways, I have work at 6am tomorrow so I guess it's time to turn in for the night


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