Direktlänk till inlägg 18 april 2010

Rubrik saknas

Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearly four hours of waiting in the cold, I couldn't get mad, just sad.

I'm sad about everything. Even the fact I'm going away this week makes me sad. Simply because it adds stress, and makes me regret that I did something so rash. I'm no longer the person who acts first and thinks later, I'm more "doesn't act at all", because I've become afraid of the consequences.

And it's not her fault, most of it never was, and yes, I guess it's taken me 6 months of anger, crying, hating  and everything else to come to that conclusion, but I hit a wall, and I'm yet to get up, despite the trying.

Depression sucks, naturally, it's supposed to, if it didn't suck, everyone would do it . I have always had trouble battling it, along with lack of self-confidence, belief in my appearance, ability, personality and pretty much everything else that goes with it.

I know many who read this will just go "yeah yeah, it's just another sop story"  but it's not really. After one gets knocked down so many times, it becomes harder and harder to get up again. And still I lurch from one crisis to another. I can only remember one time in the past 2 years where I have been well and truly happy, and I would kill to have that back again.

Sitting in the car, waiting for my ride, I had plenty of time to think. A realisation (which I had known all along, but did my best to ignore) is that I can't keep continuing along this line, of not making ends meet, being sad all the time, struggling against everything and everyone to feel like I fit in. If I do, I won't make it to my 30th birthday, because it will all become to much again. Just like it did last year.

It feels safer noow, locking myself away a bit. I still socialise a little, but not very often, and I don't go out to town. Mostly because I've become a bit more reserved, I don't get asked out often either. But then that's to be expected.

Anyways, I have work at 6am tomorrow so I guess it's time to turn in for the night


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Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss...

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms As we laughed and danced and sang Waking beside you each day As the alarm on my telephone rang. Happiness was my friend I could never see you too soon You were the light against my darkness The flowers of summer w...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me t...

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to p...

Av Gary Fraser - 28 februari 2010 19:16

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6IO5EN49hY   Use to be so easyTo give my heart awayBut I found that the haeartachewas the price you have to payI found that that love is no friend of mineI should have know'n time after timeSo longit was so long ag...


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