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Av Gary Fraser - 18 april 2010 20:53

I'm still sad, I dunno why, the anger seems to have faded now, so now I'm just sad. I don't tend to get angry about anything, mostly because there's so little passion left to get angry about things. Even after the car died in Morup, and it took nearly four hours of waiting in the cold, I couldn't get mad, just sad.

I'm sad about everything. Even the fact I'm going away this week makes me sad. Simply because it adds stress, and makes me regret that I did something so rash. I'm no longer the person who acts first and thinks later, I'm more "doesn't act at all", because I've become afraid of the consequences.

And it's not her fault, most of it never was, and yes, I guess it's taken me 6 months of anger, crying, hating  and everything else to come to that conclusion, but I hit a wall, and I'm yet to get up, despite the trying.

Depression sucks, naturally, it's supposed to, if it didn't suck, everyone would do it . I have always had trouble battling it, along with lack of self-confidence, belief in my appearance, ability, personality and pretty much everything else that goes with it.

I know many who read this will just go "yeah yeah, it's just another sop story"  but it's not really. After one gets knocked down so many times, it becomes harder and harder to get up again. And still I lurch from one crisis to another. I can only remember one time in the past 2 years where I have been well and truly happy, and I would kill to have that back again.

Sitting in the car, waiting for my ride, I had plenty of time to think. A realisation (which I had known all along, but did my best to ignore) is that I can't keep continuing along this line, of not making ends meet, being sad all the time, struggling against everything and everyone to feel like I fit in. If I do, I won't make it to my 30th birthday, because it will all become to much again. Just like it did last year.

It feels safer noow, locking myself away a bit. I still socialise a little, but not very often, and I don't go out to town. Mostly because I've become a bit more reserved, I don't get asked out often either. But then that's to be expected.

Anyways, I have work at 6am tomorrow so I guess it's time to turn in for the night

Av Gary Fraser - 17 april 2010 19:07

I coulda formatted it so that it actually looked half decent, but I can't be fucked. I don't blog anymore because I'm empty, there's not really a lot to say. I feel useless and basically like a machine. It feels like the spirit is crushed now. I miss her, she was good for me, and she didn't REALLY do that much wrong, she even warned me that this would happen, and I chose not to believe. Some days I'm angry and bitter, others I'm just sad and helpless.

I miss my old life. I miss the optimism and innocence.

Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn

We both lie silently still in the
dead of the night. Although we
both lie close together we feel
miles apart inside. Was it
something I said or something I did? Did my
words not come out right? Though I
tried not to hurt you, though I
tried. But I guess that's why they say
ev'ry rose has its
thorn, just like
ev'ry night has its
dawn. Just like
ev'ry cowboy sings his
sad, sad song

ev'ry rose has its thorn.
listen to our favourite song paying on the radio hear the
D.J say love's a game of easy come and easy go. But I
wonder does he know, has he
ever felt like this? And I
know that you'd be right now if I
could've let you know somehow. I guess
ev'ry rose has its thorn, just like
ev'ry night has its
dawn. Just like
ev'ry cowboy sings his
sad, sad song

ev'ry rose has its thorn.
Though it's been a while now I can
still feel so much pain.
Like the knife thats cuts you, the wound heals,
but the scar, that scar remains
I know I could have saved our love that night if I'd
known what to say
Instead of making love we both
made our separate ways.

Now I hear you've found somebody new and
that I never meant that much to you.

To hear that tears me up inside and to
see you cuts me like a knife.

I guess
ev'ry rose has its
thorn, just like
ev'ry night has its
dawn. Just like
ev'ry cowboy sings his
sad, sad song

ev'ry rose has its thorn.

Av Gary Fraser - 2 april 2010 16:40

Holding you in my arms

As we laughed and danced and sang

Waking beside you each day

As the alarm on my telephone rang.

Happiness was my friend

I could never see you too soon

You were the light against my darkness

The flowers of summer were in bloom

Travelling here and there

Sharing secrets no one knew

Kissing me on the sofa

I started to fall for you

Ignoring all the warnings

That things were still awry

I could never bear to think the thought

That this could ever die

And I tried to make it work

All those gaps I tried to fill

Yet it did nothing really to prevent

The sun setting over the hills

Secrets became lies, lies became tears

As smiles turned to dread

And silence fills my rooms

The flowers of summer are now dead

Av Gary Fraser - 28 mars 2010 03:20

I know you don't care, and I saw it on  your face when you cycled past, but I still am depressed because of you, I can't face the public, and I still want to come home and swallow a massive amount of pills and never wake up, just because you led me to believe that I could achieve those far-fetched dreams I had of being happy,

I'm sure you're happy with your life, and all that you've done, and I'm glad for you, but you have ruined mine it feels like.

Av Gary Fraser - 4 mars 2010 22:25

It's been a good day, but a stressful evening. People at work were saying I should have an inflyttningsfest and combine it with my birthday, at first I wasn't very keen on the idea, but after more and more said it would be a good idea, I decided to put it up on facebook and make it all formal and invite people.

Hence the stress

My deepest fear is that basically no one will come. And so far, asides from one, no one has confirmed that they will come. Ok it's the same day I put out the announcement, and the partys 3 weeks away, but still, I don't really know what I was expecting, but the fear will basically remain until the party is done and over.

Got asked to a party on Saturday, and considering going. Although definitely not keen on the idea of going to town. Still not ready, and even though I've discussed it with dad, and my reaction to certain things I've done lately, I'm still worried about my own uncertainty on if a certain situation arises.

Despite the positives of things settling down at work, getting into a steady routine, and working out regularly, I'm still pretty unhappy. There's still the deep sadness. Working on fixing it, although when the dark thoughts come, it's hard to shut them out sometimes. So at the moment, that's my major task, to learn to control the sadness. At work, it's easy, just concentrate on what I'm doing, try to limit the irritation and find someone to have a laugh with, and then I feel better, and today I came to realise that, as it stands, I'm satisfied with my work life, despite the bitching about the small elements of the job. That makes me feel better, and makes me realise I'm on the right track to recovery.

Av Gary Fraser - 28 februari 2010 19:16

Use to be so easy
To give my heart away
But I found that the haeartache
was the price you have to pay
I found that that love is no friend of mine
I should have know'n time after time

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Use to be so easy
Fall in love again
But I found that the heartache
It's a roll that leeds to pain
I found that love is more than just a game
Play and to win
but you loose just the same

So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I seal you face
You will my heart
there's an emty space
Used to be


So long
it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Golden days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you

Av Gary Fraser - 28 februari 2010 18:59

Not really blogging that much these days, don't really feel the need, and often I don't feel like sharing my thoughts when I know certain undesirable people have access to them, joys of a blog, and I guess I could just change blog address, but can't be assed.

Lots has been happening. Working heaps, which isn't anything new, but saving for a trip to Paris in April to go stay with Astride for a weekend, nothings confirmed, but looking positive, and will book the tickets next pay, and who knows what will happen, maybe things will pick up again. Planning other trips too over the coming months, and of course, planning for the big trip home at Christmas to see my family, so things are definitely progressing forward. The Contract for the apartment is done and dusted, which is nice, now just the stress of changing over the Internet and TV left to resolve. Looking forward to moving on with my life and continuing cleaning out the "closet" of memories that have come about during my time living in this place. It's sorta strange, everything bad happened as soon as I moved in here.

Also got some good news this week. Looks like I'll be becoming a permanent resident very soon, which is nice. No more stress about risking deportation, and now that opens up the entirety of Europe to me without having to start again. Got even better on Friday, having dinner with Mikaela. Had HEAPS of fun, lots of laughing, and it seems we share some of the same sick humour, which is really good. Unfortunately the evening's fun got curtailed with a phone call from Willys saying that Jennie had gone home and that her grandfather was dying. Very sad to hear.

Was down in Malmö yesterday, playing cricket, but was REALLY disappointed, because only 5 people showed up, and I was having trouble with my bowling action again, although one of the guys attributes it to the hall that we'd changed to. I dunno, hope it's not a permanent thing. Worked this morning, and then went to Olivers to watch the Carling Cup final, which, despite being slightly tainted by a neanderthal idiot, was good to watch. The food was good, and company too, and even better, United won :)

Still having my up and down days, more up than down now, although I still feel sad over several aspects of my life, and the things that have gone, but some of the "true" friends that I have, who have remained through all the bullshit and lies that I was surrounded in, have helped me through, and some new ones have come in, so it feels like to those former people I just feel like it's a big resounding "FUCK YOU" to all the people who hurt me, and that nothing is going to stop me. But it feels good not to put so much energy on hating those people.

Suppose that'll have to do for updates for now. Will try and update a little more often during the weeks.

Av Gary Fraser - 20 februari 2010 22:24

Alone days are always the toughest.

You think alot, you process events, information, and feelings, and see where you stand at the end of it.

I don't like where I stand in life, that much is clear. I'm not happy with my position in life, where I'm going, where I've been. Of course, what can I do to change it? Admittedly it has to start with my appearance. I'm unhappy with my body, and thats the easiest thing to change in a short period of time.

So, again, I want to try and get down in weight, and there's only one way to do it.

I think, with all the changes that are happening around me, I can hop on the bandwagon and make things easier.

Personally, internally, I'm still a mess, I accept that, and I'm doing what I can to change it. But for just one thing, that I wish in life, is to have someone to hold, every now and again, just chill out, cuddle on the sofa, and share my life with someone. I thought I'd found someone who fitted everything perfectly, but she disagreed, and needed to find a way out. So be it, but even thinking of finding someone else I can trust shakes me to my bones.

To a point, my humour is returning, some of the personality that I used to have, which made it so easy to get along with people is coming back, but it will always be damaged, and tinged with sadness it feels. Over the life that I lost, the love that I lost, and the person whom I was, that I don't feel I could ever be again


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