Plenty to do, and no time to do it.

Forgot an appointment at the bank, which is slightly unlike me, but given its relative lack of importance, I am not overly concerned, although frustrated a little at the same time.

Did something "silly" on Sunday, I don't regret it, although I think it has had some consequences, and I am a little sad because of them.

The weekend was a disaster, pretty much point-blank. Ended up home at midnight on sunday minus a rather expensive mobile, and in a bad/sad/angry/frustrated/depressed mood. The mood hasn't completely lifted yet, and I've found I'm frustrated very easily.

Thinking of blowing off training tonight, because I have so much work stuff to do, and not really that keen on putting myself behind the 8-ball all evening...

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing ok
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Been a slow month this month...things just aren't really happening like I would have hoped... although thats not necessarily always bad.

New schema came out on Monday for work, and i was probably as annoyed as some of the worse-affected ones, because it means a large sacrifice in football. It's a sad thing, but I guess I have to pay the bills first.

Personal life is a bit of a rollercoaster, as it has been for quite a long time.

Some days I wish for home, and some days I realise that I have no home, and then the rest, there's no place I would rather be. Although the behaviour of some is starting to bring my "friendships" into question again. I was rather surprised at certain events recently regarding one friend, and have been left wondering. We've gone from such a large amount of communication to absolutely none more or less.

It's become difficult to have feelings for those who were close to me previously. One in particular, there's absolutely no feelings left. It's sad to give so much to something which no longer exists. Its like running up a mountain just to find the top fell away, and the achievements feel hollow, despite all we went through together.

Manchester in May is set, so looking forward to seeing my father again, he even invited someone along, which is a big thing (more because he even offered to pay!). To let someone into our family circle is a big thing for my family (especially when I had so much trouble fitting into that circle my whole life). Man Utd vs Man City seems on the cards, although it seems like we could be doing it difficult, since dads dragging his heels with the tickets.

Otherwise, not a great deal to report. Works ticking along, and life in general is "så där", so yeah. suppose another update will come when I feel the need :)

Its been a while since I wrote, so just a short update

Works finally starting to come around, had a "konceptuppföljning" and got green in all areas bar one, for the first time in the 4-5 years of checking, so things are definitely progressing well there.

The personal life has been a real rollercoaster, there have been really really really good days, where everything in the world seems perfect, and then days where it feels like I'm splitting at the seams....and not many days where things just go ordinarily.

Otherwise, starting to get the passion back in life that I've been missing the last 6 months or so, even though work is trying its best to take away my enjoyment as much as possible. Hoping to find a resolution to that soon.

Not really much else to report, so gonna leave it there for now.

Its been a tough and, somewhat, lonely weekend. When I haven't been working, I've been on my own, asides from Friday evening where I had a little company until 8pm

Its also been a weekend of tough decisions, one of which was harder than the rest. I broke off contact with someone who, at one point, I had great hopes for, but turned out to not be what I had first expected. It's not often that I get something so wrong when it comes to evaluating a person, but this time I think it might have been a miss. The person in question is a nice person, there's no doubt there. Its just that they don't have the self-belief, nor the honesty or interest, to warrant a part in my life. It's a sad thing, but its time for me to move on and remember the few good times.

There has been a lot of cutting away of people from my life, and in reality, outside of sport, there's only maybe 3 or 4 people left who I talk to regularly outside of work, and all but one are so  busy with their own lives to have the time to spend with "little old me".

The one thats left is definitely a wonderful person, they take great care to spend as much time with me as possible, and despite everything I do to make it difficult for them, they always put a smile on my face and I always feel the most relaxed in their company. I owe a great deal to them over the past 2 months, and hope that things continue, if they can't improve....

I hope to have a Valentine this year, I've never really bothered with it before, and maybe this time it could be fun :) I'm not sure if it will go ahead, but I hope so, the girl in mind deserves to be treated like a princess, even if it is just for one evening.....

 Otherwise not much to report, pleased that United won this weekend, although I missed the game, yet again. Back to work in 6 hours, so probably best to get some sleep.

I've sorta gone the other direction to this song.

From morning to night I stayed out of sight
Didn't recognize I'd become
No more than alive I'd barely survive
In a word...overrun

Won't hear a sound
From my mouth
I've spent too long
On the inside out
My skin is cold
To the human touch
This bleeding heart's
Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now
I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all awry
I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now
He's paler somehow
But he's coming round
He's starting to choke
It's been so long since he spoke
Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out
For the day
When all the clouds
Have blown away
I'm with you now
Can speak your name
Now we can hear
Ourselves again

Things haven't been going so well for me lately. Someone has yet again vandalised a car I drive, I've given up on love, and although work has gotten better, I retain no zest for my job, or for my future anymore.

Its not that I feel sorry for myself, because I don't really, I just can't seem to motivate myself anymore. I go through the motions day in, day out. I play football, rather badly at the moment, and otherwise I have nothing to really look forward to in my day-to-day life.

Its all well and good asking for help, the thing is, even if I listen to the advice, understand it, and say "hey, that's a good idea", I won't follow through on it.

I don't want to move, and I don't want to stay....so what to do? It feels like I could just roll over, go to sleep and never wake up again.

This all sounds pathetic, if I had read this even a year ago, I would have given myself a kick up the backside, but now I see what my parents saw all those years ago.....

The apartment is a mess, and there's dishes to do, clothes to wash and a car to clean out (two really) but there's just nothing pushing me forward anymore.

Gonna zone out and do something completely pointless for a while.....