Well another christmas is set to come and go. Feeling rather abandoned in a way...I have had the option of sharing christmas day with some friends, but I've felt so miserable over the past few days, I would much rather spend it alone. More because I think I would be bad company than anything else.

It's hard being over here on my own now. Until recently I have always believed that something would fix itself, anything, just to make life that little bit easier, and now I'm no longer sure.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling lost, and really empty. I work stupid hours, partly of necessity, and partly because i just don't want to come home, sit here on my own and feel as depressed as I do.

I'm supposed to go stay at Susanna's apartment from next week for two weeks to take care of the animals, although I'm not sure about the location yet, I'm starting to think I would much rather prefer to sleep here, then in a place where she has already found someone to replace me, it feels weird, because we always talked about fixing things, and now it seems like it was all just a ruse, basically for her to keep me off her back while she went and did other things instead, and possibly for the opportunity (although i don't believe this so much) to make the point that I gambled by coming here, and I lost, big time.

The question is, what now? I don't see a huge future in the job I'm doing now, and I definitely don't want to spend 10 years doing the same job, let alone 5, or even 3. There is one or two people who I am interested in, but there's just no confidence left to even attempt to take it further.

I know this all sounds stupid and pathetic, and it sounds like I'm pitying myself, but I'm not. I just feel lost and without direction now....

Crush me with your words

Don't leave a trace of pride

For the blackest parts of my soul

I no longer try to hide

Everything I knew

Has gone away with you

Fear of falling no longer exists

Down that hole I've long gone through

I wait to be swallowed whole

And disappear from this earth

For life is but one big failure

To death from day of birth

I'll sit and wait my time

For who knows what will be

And though you try you won't understand

Just what you did to me.

Well judging by the writing of the past week or so, anyone who reads this has an idea of whats going on in my head (or maybe not). It hasn't been a good week for me, emotionally, which culminated in a 2 hour phone call back home where I basically was nearly in tears the whole time.

With christmas looming, naturally I miss my family. And yes, right now I am very homesick, and not looking forward to the christmas/new years period. Not only because of work, but because of the fact that my old life with my family and friends in New Zealand is gone, and its not ever likely to return again.

This week has been a week of "what if?" and the alternatives running through my head have not been positive at all. So outside of work I've sorta done a self-imposed exile (football training excepted) and mostly it has worked well, even if I do feel a little lonely, but that will be something I just have to get used to I think.

Asides from that, there isn't much to report, the disaster that has been work over the past three weeks is starting to come right, and I'm hoping for better improvements so as that when it comes to the first week of the new year, everything is back on track again.

I guess I better get up, and get ready for work.

Hörs

Dreaming away another afternoon

With you in my arms in some far away place

We talk about nothing and everything together

And I do what I can for that smile on your face

That time now seems so long ago
And another seems to hold you dear

I sometimes draw my own conclusion

That you no longer want to hold me dear

Had I know before that this would be

That you would no longer dream of me

Then maybe I would have opened my eyes

Instead of pondering hows and whys

Whats done is done, it cannot change

And life without you now seems strange

When once it seemed life offered plenty

It now seems cold, dark, and empty

The pain will die, the dreams will fade

And thoughts of you might go away

But one can grow old and one may die

And I will know I was your guy.

Every step I take

Is a step towards the top

The light above is growing

With every little knowing

The ladder starts to split

And go two such different ways

And I stand in the middle

Where I wile away the days

There begins the voices

That tell me awful things

Whispering realities

That say that I have wings

Urging me to let go

And I'll fly up to the light
I let go of the ladder

And fall into the night.

Someone pointed out I hadn't written for a while. Main motivation behind that is that not a lot has gone right under the last few days, so haven't felt motivated to write anything.

Suppose I should start with the annoying thing.

Car broke down on Thursday, went in to get a damage assessment, and the exhaust system snapped, just behind the muffler, resulting in repairs of at least 4000 kronor. Having previously planned to book a trip to Paris on Dec 22, that is now cancelled.

Added to that, the girl who I always thought I would spend my life with, has, quite obviously, moved on. Having discussed the trip to Paris, it has been revealed that a trip to Thailand has taken precedence, with somebody else. Its not something I should be sad about, we broke up, and have somehow managed to stay on good terms.

Which brings me to the current problem. Someone whom I had been seeing has sorta withdrawn in a way, for reasons only known to her (or not). Its not something I understand, and I'm sad in a way.

All these events, not to mention constant ongoing work problems, which I just don't seem to get a handle on, have left me feeling pretty low. Confidence with the opposite sex has hit probably an all time low, I've no longer the desire to be social at all, and quite simply, I feel as isolated as if I was sitting in a world with no one here at all.

Often I find myself wishing I was back to where I was just a little over a year ago, when things felt good, but one can't turn back time, no matter how much I want to.

I'm not sure what to do with my future anymore. Everything seemed so clear cut when I first arrived in Sweden, and everything has become diluted and beginning to disappear. I know that my father gave away his dreams at a young age, much younger than my age now, and I can only wonder what that felt like to him, but for me its just a feeling of emptiness.

So where to from here? Who knows? Definitely not me. Will wake up tomorrow and see what tomorrow brings.....

A question to anyone who reads this crap ;)

How does one beat depression eating? everytime something goes badly wrong, I get massive cravings (and give in really easily) for junk food. Ever since I can remember, any weight problems I've had, have had something to do with depression and the crap I eat when I'm depressed :S

Well, another day at work coming up, Saturday. A little tired of working weekends all the time, but I think I am free next weekend (and am refusing to check my schedule to verify this) so something to aim for there.

Feeling a bit odd, had a feeling of desertion last night later in the evening. It's a new feeling for me, but there you have it. There's not much that can be done about it I guess, so I think the feeling will just go away in time.

Asides from another rather tough week at work, things are progressing mostly. The weight loss has stagnated a little, due to a few dinners that I've had (rather naughtily, although only one meal which would qualify as "bad"). Since I'm planning an evening out this evening, I guess I can hop back on the bandwagon again tomorrow and try and proceed with the weightloss. My weight is holding around 87, which means I'm still down 3 kilo, so I can try and keep it there for today, and work on dropping again from tomorrow.

Working on an idea of a trip to Paris in January, not sure if it will happen yet, and trying to convince someone to come with me, since going to see something that you've dreamed about your whole life, and not having anyone to experience it with, isn't such a great feeling. I remember when I first went to Sydney, and I was on my own. It wasn't such a great feeling standing at the Opera House, and thinking "Gee I wish my family or friends were here to share this with me".

I guess its time to get dressed and get a move on to work, plenty to do today I'm sure.