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Av Gary Fraser - 17 februari 2010 21:23

Well, it was a good day at work, was positive and happy and laughing. Even managed to get some Lamb cheaply, so in terms of work (asides from the usual accident) it was a pretty good day.

Come home, and everything changes. I'm tired, short tempered, feeling like crap, and just generally hate everything I am. I look at everyone else, and they're moving on with their lives, meeting new people, finding what it is that they're searching for. I feel like I'm just going backwards.

Supposed to be hanging out on Sunday, but just feel that she'd be much happier hanging out with the person who makes her so happy, even if they don't want to spend 24/7 together, it stills feels like he could at least provide her with a better afternoon than I ever could (no dirtiness intended).

I dunno, I don't think its "feeling sorry for myself" it's more "seeing no worth in my presence around others"

Av Gary Fraser - 16 februari 2010 22:43

Well, new computer, so glad for the ability to do stuff again, couldn't blog from my mobile, wouldn't let me log in. It's quite late tonight, so I'll keep this one short.

Been to Stockholm, had a fair bit of fun there, didn't really drink much, but played a bit of rugby, and then ended up in Malmö on Sunday to play cricket, was good to keep the activities going, even though it did hurt a bit the next day.

Having it a little tough at work on several days, very easily irritated, and it bothers me the attitude some of the people have taken, just expecting others to clean up after them. I understand that OFFICIALLY they're doing nothing wrong, but fuck, it doesn't hurt to think about your fellow workers.

Last weekend, in Malmö again, this time to party. Was great hanging out with the guys, and lots of fun was had. It's so much more fun hanging out somewhere outside of Halmstad, no stresses, no worries about anything, just relax, and enjoy the moment. Some of the guys have a few issues with alcohol I reckon, but all in all it was a helluva fun night.´Even I got refused service (and I wasn't even drunk!) A nice fika with a good friend has also come about, a few laughs, and mackor, made for a good evening last thursday.

So, New computer, new car in the works hopefully, and new apartment sometime during May/start of June, so its all happening. Hopefully I can transform my life, and forget all  the shit, and some of the people who caused it, and learn from the shit which I caused myself.

On the darker side, I'm still having issues with the self-confidence. Over time, it really should be recovery, but in reality, it's just getting worse. The psychologist said that I have to start being my best friend, to which I thougt "Well I won't trust anyone else to do it."  It helps sometimes, but I always come home feeling so much more stressed, headachy, and just generally exhausted. It's never a positive feeling after, just emptiness.

Most of the time now, I feel almost human, but sometimes I just can't stop the feelings dragging me down. Pretty much everyone whom I've been interested in since her  have been out of my league, and they know it, and in one case, said it.  But that's life, and that's going to be my life I feel. I will survive, even if sometimes I don't want to.

Av Gary Fraser - 27 januari 2010 20:07

Been a full on week this week. Worked 12 hour today (give or take 15 minutes) so pretty tired, but definitely determined to stay up and watch the football that starts in an hour with a cold one. Work is improving, and the error rate is dropping, which is good, releases some of the stress.

Had my first meeting on Monday, she's pretty good, although of course I did most of the talking. I was pretty stressed, so a few dates I got a bit muddled, but otherwise, it seemed to go well, and I have my next meeting on the tenth.

She asked a lot about my (remaining) friends and family, getting a grip on my support network I guess. And I came to some realisations on some things (and someone) which, due to the public nature of this blog, and some of the people who read it, I won't be sharing.

Was feeling a bit.....surprised? last night, was just chatting, and bang, was alone, just like that. The nature of it seemed a bit strange, and I guess  I'm seeing something that wasn't there, but left me a bit sad none the less.

The external arrived, and I'm a bit pissed, because It won't install WIN7, which doesn't install on externals or plug n plays. A bit annoyed, because it means I require an external, at around 650 kronor. As if I didn't have enough bills already. Dad's gonna help out  (again) although I gotta stop letting myself be a charity case. Not good for the self confidence.

Asides from that, not a great deal happening, overtime again tomorrow. Looking REALLY forward to my payslip next month.

Av Gary Fraser - 24 januari 2010 15:19

Off to cricket soon :) Had a super nice early afternoon.

It's nice to hang around with someone who's understanding of my depression, and that we seem to understand how each other think.  Makes me feel a lot more relaxed and better about myself, and it's not often that i don't feel 100 times better after we talk. Sat there watching fat people on tv, and admittedly, on the dancing program, with some of those outfits, there was outbreaks of laughter, the designer should be shot!.

Anyways, off down the road now, hopefully I'll find the place ok, we'll soon see :)

Av Gary Fraser - 23 januari 2010 00:24

An ok day, work was dull as usual, but ended up out tonight, and had a good evening. All the guys were rugby fanatics, so having someone from New Zealand made it easy to fit in. Watched a little handball, then nice dinner and chat, and after a solid hour in the bastu. Was sorta good, and relaxing at the same time, lots of laughs, and they want me to come back again, which is good.

Asides from that, not a lot doing. Quiet day at home cleaning tomorrow I think, and then going to Malmö on Sunday afternoon to play cricket, after a little coffee with Nilsson at some point I hope.

Looking forward to money, and clearing a large chunk of my debts in one go. So glad I'm starting to move forward again, but we'll have to see how long things last, just as soon as I start getting on top of things, something happens to drag me down.

Av Gary Fraser - 22 januari 2010 01:44

Quarter to two, and wide awake thanks to an email I got. I'm so angry and stressed I'm shaking. But, apparently I'm not allowed to share my thoughts on it, or else I'll get another email saying "so and so said this".  so fuck it, fine, I won't write ANYTHING regarding that subject again, despite the pain and bitterness it causes me, I know what I've seen and read, so despite everything, even if I don't write it, I'll think it. Happy now? Good, leave me the fuck alone.

Just want to clear my head, forget everything regarding it existed and move on. Most likely, I'll never be able to truly do that before I leave here. I don't trust people easily, and when I feel like that trust has been lost, it's impossible for me to give it back, and I felt that most people in my life has abused and lost that trust, so now I feel alone, but I can deal, because before yesterday evening, it's the best I've felt in over a year, simply because I know that anything I have in my life isn't false.

But ok, I'll draw a line under everything. Forget these people ever existed, and know that I'm far better off without them. It's a learning experience, and I'll come out of it knowing that I won't allow anyone to let me feel like that again.

I will try and sleep again now. Another long day at work ahead.

Av Gary Fraser - 21 januari 2010 18:10

I really am a sucker for punishment. the week had been going ok, the depression wasn't too bad, and was easily managable. Then I got a comment on a photo on facebook, which involved her, and I clicked, and of course, nosey, nosey, saw the New Years photos, with, naturally, the pathological liar having his arm around her. Yeah it is jealousy, to a point. The thing is, it's not the jealousy where I want her back, it's the jealousy that he doesn't deserve that luxury. Mind, she can do what she wants, and no doubt, she probably is.

So yeap, dragged myself down again, and it's not very fun being here, that much is certain. Have my first appointment next week, and hope to finally clear things out with how angry I am, over her and her bullshit and secrets, and all the other crap that's happened over the past 6 months. Dunno how it will go, but i hope I get to have an appointment more than once a month.

Still no closer to allowing anyone in, have had a little interest in someone, but that's not worked out (of course), mind doesn't help when you're all bitter and twisted.

Anyways, more overtime at work tomorrow, and then a "gathering" out in Tylösand, they want me to come into town later, but I have neither the money nor the interest in doing so.

Av Gary Fraser - 17 januari 2010 22:10

Been a tough weekend....Friday was completely ok, but yesterday and today, battling with my head, and with outside influences again.

I'd let down the defences a little, and I really shouldn't have, because I just left myself feeling a little let down and my isolation just felt so much worse.

So back to basics. I'll go back to my own little shell again now.

"If I'd never loved I never would have felt no pain". ......I am a rock.


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