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Av Gary Fraser - 1 oktober 2009 01:03

Thanks to all the people who had a read last month, it was my third best month ;) 113 doesn't sound like much, especially when I know some friends have over 300, or more, but for those of you who have given positive feedback and support.

Thanks :)

Av Gary Fraser - 1 oktober 2009 00:43

Yet another odd day, for some reason, I was LATE to everything, and I'm not usually late to formal appointments.

Had washing 11-3, didn't really have much, but put the first load in, and then....completely forgot.

Spent the afternoon doing släktforskning, a little job search, and chatting to a few people. About 2.55 I said to Brydolf (the cat) I was off to get food....looked at the time, and then FUCK! washing.....looked at the time and then FUCK! supposed to be at the trade centre now. Anyways, rushed downstairs, made a phone call saying I was delayed, put the washing in a communal area and just prayed it didn't get stolen, which, thankfully it didn't. It's not like me to be like that.....guess I was off in another world.

The meeting itself was rather positive, we've built a time line, and I've got two seperate appointments next week, so moving forwards in any case.

I feel reserved now on writing about my feelings on here regarding her, and the conversations we have, as well as how they affect me. Lately there's been a bit of pressure on me to make a decision one way or another, no contact at all or friends, and do the things friends do. The thing is, I don't want what "friends do", because I want to be able to hold her, touch her, kiss her, and even, god forbid, make love to her, just like we used to. She said she's hurt by the whole thing just like me, but there inlies the problem, if it hurts her even half as much as she claims, then there was no reason to break up. No sane person causes themself pain deliberately. We had differences, on many (nearly all?) levels, however, when we were together, I felt good, and I'm sure she did too, so as long as we spent time together, then it shouldn't have been any major problem. But it didn't work out like that, and now because I don't want to see her, that means that I don't want contact anymore apparently.

Someone who has sorta seen how it developed, and how it suddenly fell apart, noted that it seemed she "wanted her cake and eat it too". From my perspective, it's hard to say, in fact, I don't know what to believe on anything anymore. My whole world from 6 months ago seems sorta distant and gone. Both good and bad.

Av Gary Fraser - 30 september 2009 00:30

It's been an odd day I guess.

Got my first rejection email back for a job. I screwed up the application, and instead of editing my swedish, and attaching the CV, I accidentally clicked send, so I guess I deserved that. It had a "krav" of flytande svenska, which I don't have, especially not in writing.

After a week of no real contact, we talked today...well talked/argued/discussed/accused, take your pick, to avoid future arguments, I won't go into details, but basically it culminated in me being self-absorbed, and self-interested, only talking about myself, and that even if someone doesn't like the decision they're making, sometimes they have to make it. Apparently, people have noted that I only talk about myself, maybe it's true, and I don't notice it. I've been thinking about it all night, wondering if there is logic to it, and there probably is. I think it's a mixture of nervousness around other people, especially new people, and a desire to express myself, since I often feel that I don't get the opportunity. I'm sure there's more reasons for it, although I do feel it was slightly over-exaggerated.

What sorta  caught me out a bit, is the change in approach, from basically being completely cut off, since she came back, to all of a sudden wanting to be friends. When somebody hurts me, it is very hard for me to trust them again. And the way things ended up going after she came back, and the worthlessness I felt because of it, make it very hard for me to even consider opening up for her again. So what would being friends achieve? Asides from the fact that she's a constant reminder that when I find someone/something I want, it invariably goes away. We don't have just about anything in common, our personalities mean that we will clash, especially now that the physical side is taken out of it, and especially now I've been left feeling like talking about whats on my mind is bad, I see no real base on how anything other than an artificial friendship could be built.

Yet why can't I just break contact? She pressed and pressed for me to do it today, I guess maybe to give her some finality in the situation, although it seems she doesn't want to go through with it. From my end, I dunno, if I take that final decision one way or the other, I'm gonna feel crap, I feel crap when she's gone, I feel crap when she's there, simply because I just wanna be able to hold her and even make love. The crappiness comes from knowing she doesn't.

I know I should just get over it, I just can't. It was just that the whole time up until she went away, I felt so GOOD, for the first time in so long, probably since when I was first seeing Susanna. All the options seemed open to me, and all the problems so small, even when I had a big problem, it was reduced after a short period of time, because I had something great with someone.

I guess the whole loneliness thing is sorta a bit here and there, sure, I want company, I want people around me who care, and whom I can trust. People who don't try and hurt my feelings, and whom I can be relaxed around. If I can't have people whom I can be myself around,  then I would much rather be alone. The thing is, I've done this whole "alone with no one around me" thing before, and I made it through, asides from some intermittent company, I did it in Brisbane for nearly 8 months, and there I had no friends at all, no one to hang out with on weekends, and no cable tv. So if I have to, I will do it again.

Asides from ALL of that, there's not much doing. Got an appointment tomorrow, so sorta looking forward to that, and then to the weekend, where I might go out again....we'll see :)

Av Gary Fraser - 29 september 2009 10:54

Well another day.....yeah thats about it, another day...

Starting to get used to being on my own, talking to more people on MSN, but still completely alone here. Really need to clean but so totally unmotivated. I am disappointed with certain "friends" who I've always gotta push for a conversation, ever since the breakup, they had promised that they wouldn't get involved, but now, some people who were so close, seem so far now. On the flip side, made two new friends on the weekend, and have gotten in touch with two old ones from "before-her" time, so I guess its sorta evening it out a little. Haven't heard from her in nearly a week, things are easier now I guess, except for when I see her name, then I tend to get a little sad for a while. I guess I've turned from sad to disappointed there too, both for myself and for her, I saw something in her that made her irresistable to me, but then she wanted to find ways out of it which made it appear like she was trying. I'm used to disappointments in my life, and sadly, she's just one more.

Jobcoaching starts on Wednesday, will be interested to see how that works itself out. I shouldn't have any expectations, but hoping it will result in something. I sorta want to work in another country, but I also don't want to leave my cat Brydolf to anyone else, we have fun together and he can be really cool sometimes (and sometimes really annoying, with his little fetishes)

I have a great desire to go travelling, if I get the job i'm hoping for, I'm gonna take a week off first and go to Paris or Barcelona or even Lisbon, I'd like to see somewhere different. And just break the monotony of this place, get away from all the bad shit thats happened in the past 2 months. Even if it means that I'll have to do it alone, although of course I would love to be able to take someone else with me.....Paris anyone? :P

Av Gary Fraser - 27 september 2009 19:05

Har varit en vanligt söndag, inte mycket kontakt med någon alls, sovit hela morgon, och bara slösade hela eftermiddag typ. Hämtade bilen, och tänkt på massa saker, men ingenting som hjälpa mig klarar något.

Känns som kanske man har skaffade några nya kompisar, men bor alla utom stan typ, så känner jag mig helt öförandrade på denna sätt.

Undrar om jag kan motivera mig att städa imorgon, och söka jobb. Hoppas det, har varit väldigt seg (och bakfull) hela helg,

Finns absolut skit på tv, känner mig inte alls för spanskfotboll ikväll, finns inget på moviekanalen som jag haft inte sett förut, och svensk tv känns som det blir sämre och sämre liksom (kändisdjungeln? fy fan va tråkigt). 

Vet inte varför jag skriva på svenska, kommit typ halvvägs och bestämt att jag var för seg att skriva om  på engelska. Kanske om jag träna lite, ska det hjälpa mig att förbättre min grammatik (knappast, men vi får se).

Annars, skulle börja "jobbcoaching" denna veckan, allt här i Sverige ta så lång tid att kommer igång, vet inte när jag ska få A-kassa, men hoppas att det kommer nästa månad iaf, då betyder det att jag kan spara lite pengar.

Så. Dags att handla någonting till middag.....ha det

Av Gary Fraser - 27 september 2009 03:43

Just to be clear,I'm not in love with anyone, in fact, I'm not even sure if I know what love feels like..... and given recent events, that has further strengthened my cyniscism towards the concept of "love". But, given events tonight, I think this song is appropriate.

Well I hope that I dont fall in love with you
cause falling in love just makes me blue,
Well the music plays and you display
Your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you
Calling out for me
And I hope that I dont fall in love with you.

Well the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well if you sit down with this old clown,
Take that frown and break it,
Before the evenings gone away,
I think that we could make it,
And I hope that I dont fall in love with you.

Well the night does funny things inside a man
These old tom-cat feelings you dont understand,
Well I turn around to look at you,
You light a cigarette,
I wish I had the guts to bum one,
But weve never met,
And I hope that I dont fall in love with you.

I can see that you are lonesome just like me,
And it being late, youd like some company,
Well I turn around to look at you,
And you look back at me,
The guy youre with has up and split,
The chair next to yous free,
And I hope that you dont fall in love with me.

Now its closing time, the musics fading out
Last call for drinks, Ill have another stout.
Well I turn around to look at you,
Youre nowhere to be found,

I search the place for your lost face,
Guess Ill have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you

Av Gary Fraser - 25 september 2009 09:07

Well, it's another day  which I'll be operating on next-to-no sleep. Was up around 1am, doing släktforskning, thats nothing unusual, normally when I find a lead on something, time tends to slip away. The thing is, usually, if I'm having trouble finding someone, or something, there's a website I can turn to where people upload their family treers. Common ancesters of Susannas family are usually up there, so I can usually get tips about where and which year they were born or died, and work from that, it's not always accurate, but more often than not it helps.  But this family hadn't been found, at least not according to the 5 or 6 who had uploaded their family tree with these ancestors. So anyways, I got a lead, and then found who I was looking for, so around 2am I finished which I was looking for, and found some information I had been looking for since I started researching (over 2 years) which made me feel alright.

Cool, time for bed

One last check of email and facebook.

Pling, online she comes.

The worst thing about night time, is that I think too much, and invariably, with her, I beat myself up. I sat there, for an hour, Wondering why I couldn't hold her, be with her, thinking that it's all my fault, wondering what I'd done wrong, why I'd done it wrong, why I couldn't be happy with someone who had made me happy. I've been through the whole "it's not about you" crap, but then if it really wasn't about me, then things wouldn't be so.

So for a while, I sit there, trying to ignore the fact she's there. Watching tv or playing pointless games on facebook. Then I leave some silly message, hoping she might have something miraculous to say, of which she doesn't, and probably goes to bed.  And there I sit, wondering why things have happened the way they have, the past 3 months, and even the past 12 months.  13 Months ago, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend of 3 years, talking about buying a house, having a permanent job, and chasing my dreams, and getting ever closer to touching them......look at things now.

This isn't a "pity me" entry. this is a "things that affect me" entry. She does affect me, on every level, no matter how hard I try to  hide it. It sucks, because I know she has no feeling left, and it's only beating myself up, but right now it seems impossible to stop it when it starts....

Av Gary Fraser - 24 september 2009 10:37

Well, I got most of the list done, some things weren't done because of outside influences, and one or two because I just ran out of time.

Got all the phone calls done

Applied for jobs, but there've come up so many this week that i'm not actually finished.

Did the washing etc etc

Will probably be much the same today, just keep plugging away and trying to get things done so that I can get my life back on track.

Of course there's still things pulling at me all the time. The whole thought of her, knowing that she's right there to talk to, but there's nothing I can say that won't end up in us arguing over why she quit. It's sorta a self-torture thing, seeing her name there sometimes. The thing is that deep inside, I really want to change her mind, make her say "oh I am wrong" and come back, but I also know that would never happen. I'm sure she's happier in her new "place" and to her, she's completely not interested in anything anymore, which does make me sad. Sometimes I sit there and think about our times together, the fun we had, Liseberg et al, the lovemaking, which was always good, and the times where, from nowhere, she would kiss me on the cheek, or nibble my ear, or even just cuddle up to me when we were watching tv. It's those things which I miss more than anything. To me, the world was complete in those moments, and I couldn't have been happier if I'd tried. I guess it's going to take a long time for this period, and those thoughts to pass.

Pretty much haven't seen anyone this week, asides from shop staff, and someone I had talked to before she moved to Australia, but that was just a passing hello, it was really lonely to begin with, and yeah, I'm still lonely, but I'm learning to deal with it.

Final payday tomorrow, I know how much I'm getting now, and i know what I'm doing with it, how I'm going to budget it out etc. I've pretty much got a month to sort myself out before I have no choice to leave. I know what lies ahead of me, and all that, question is whether I'm willing to REALLY fight for it, or just give up and go home. The choice, on paper (or internet) is easy, however the reality is so much harder. We'll see how it turns out I guess.

Asides from that, not a great deal planned today, had planned to have Fajsty, but decided to delay it until tomorrow, so Susanna isn't so stressed for time. In hindsight it may not have been so smart, since I've got a lot to do tomorrow as well (bills, haircut, shopping, afterwork drinks, and hopefully a night out, and god do I need it!)


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