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Av Gary Fraser - 22 september 2009 20:43

Ok, time to sort this out now.


Tomorrow I will:


- Clean the house

- Apply for the jobs I've been thinking about

- Do the washing from 15-18, during cycles, complete ALL of the dishes.

- Get the dog, and take him for a walk/run depending on how I feel (although right now thats not very well)

- Start to put the wheels in motion for the backup plans

- Work out a budget for the next month, and possibly longer

- Put the car on blocket

- Have a shave

- MAYBE pluck up the courage to talk to the girl upstairs (although that ones doubtful)

- Ring my mother, when I wake up, since i haven't talked to her ages, and I know she's worried sick

- Talk to an old friend that I haven't talked to in a while (and I hope she still keeps in touch with the blog, despite how depressing it is)

- Talk to the temping agencies

- Talk to the job coaching agency, of whom should have made contact yesterday, but i'd forgotten about it

- At least try and smile 3 times

- Ignore the paranoid thoughts about the ex, it's not helping, she's made her choices, as much as I hate it.

- Get quotes for moving to New Zealand, England, and within Europe (although if I move within europe, I will probably organise it myself)

- Do a little släktforskning on Susannas file, although not half as much as I've been doing lately, but the progress has been nice to be honest.


I think thats about it for now. I feel a bit more driven than normal, maybe its the old me coming back? too early to tell

ANNONS
Av Gary Fraser - 21 september 2009 22:01

Well its been another dull day. Got blasted for saying what I think, which was nice. But asides from that, basically slept during the day and I'm battling a headcold. There's so much stuff I should be doing, but I just don't have the energy right now.


I guess I've come to a point where I've realised that the motivation I used to have just isn't there. Given recent events, I feel a bit drained and empty, and simply lethargic.


On some nicer news, I found out I'm getting paid for the lectures I gave, ( I can't remember if I wrote that before, and am too lazy to check) hopefully I'll get some more.

Of course everything would be so much easier if I find a job.


Football season is done now, sorta glad for it really, had lost the drive that I used to have for it (common theme these days). I was unhappy where the club was going, and really unhappy with the way the B-team was handled in the second half of the season, both by specific players and the management. It was sad to see the club fall away as it did.


Anyways, time for me to call it a night methinks....


ANNONS
Av Gary Fraser - 21 september 2009 07:48

I'm gonna try and make this the last entry about her. It's hard. But its been dominant in my life the past month.


I think yesterday, I realised that I'd finally given up hope on her. Her incredible ability to build up a fake reality, and find excuses not to be happy with me has finally come through. Ever since she came back from overseas, it's been just one excuse after another, and for the most part, I've accepted them and let her simply behave like shit towards me.  When I went to see a psycologist after my big problems in May, she said that I was self-destructive. Looks like I found someone who wants to compete with me on that level.  What we  had before she went away was, I had thought, special. According to her, right up until about a day or two before she came home, she thought so too. Then something happened which made her change her mind. Her latest excuse was because I'd said I "loved her", although in my translation, I had said I "thought I was falling in love with her", which given the circumstances of being alone for two weeks without much human contact, and only sms' and the very odd phone call, may have enhanced certain feelings a little bit more than what they actually were.


Am I bitter? Yeah a little, I mean, she's beautiful, and when she wants to be, she can be smart, and funny, and just great fun to be around. Right up until she went away, things seemed to tick along great, if there were "problems" as have since been mentioned, then she did a good job to hide them. I was just happy, and content to stay here and see where it went, imagine my surprise that after two weeks I collected a very different person in Malmö who decided she wanted to stop this althogether, even if she didn't know it at the time.


The one thing that annoys me most right now is this whole "gift" thing we've been arguing about. For her birthday (in May), I bought her greenstone jewelry. Even then, she didn't seem to like it (i think I saw it worn once?). When she returned to Turkey, and on the day she walked out the door, she had gotten me two gifts, which I promptly returned, simply because I don't want reminders of the day she decided she didn't care. When I borrowed the greenstone for school, on a bit of a show and tell, she has since stated "oh you can keep it", but its not mine to keep. Her excuse is that I didn't want her gifts. The thing is, there was a difference. My gifts to her were given at a time where we were together, and we were happy, whereas hers are given at a time where we split up. Therefore if I loan those things that I got her, she is going to get them back, whether she likes it not, as where I come from, we don't disrespect other peoples stuff, which was why i returned her gifts, and didn't throw them out.


If one takes her behaviour as text book, then it would be clear that something, or someone, happened. It's become my experience that swedish girls (or at least the ones that I know) place a low value on staying together with someone and being honest. I've watched a friend be dishonest with her partner, and know full well that she has been unfaithful, and seen more than enough other girls, whom I know full well have boyfriends/husbands/significant others, out on the town, making out with guys, flirting something chronic. It's a strange thing, especially for me, given I've never cheated on someone before. If you are with somebody, then you respect that relationship, if you don't want to respect that relationship, then you shouldn't be there. Excuses don't cut it, if you're not happy, then leave, and then you can fuck whoever you like.


Of course, I'm not stupid enough to think I'm just the victim in this whole thing, I've said and done things which, if I could take back, I most certainly would, but for her to behave so,  not even try, and then, like yesterday, be basically as cold-hearted as she has been the whole time she's been back, makes it hard to maintain the feelings that got me through to this point.


I care for her so deeply, that much is true, when I see a photo of her, I become dizzy, or very sad, just because of what I feel I have lost. I don't feel I deserve to have lost it, after all the shit I've been through in my life up till now, I thought that I deserved to be happy with someone I cared about, but alas, as usual, it's not to be.


Whether she reads this, or even cares, I guess no one will ever really know, maybe not even herself. I wish it was different, I really do, but unfortunately, thats just the way it is. For what its worth, If you ever decide that you want to try again, you're always welcome, although to be perfectly honest, I doubt it.

Av Gary Fraser - 17 september 2009 21:49

Pretty much any Linkin Park song covers how I feel right now, in respects to life, and people in general, and this one has a wicked video, and is probably my favourite song.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpYD6cjx5M0



It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised

It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

Av Gary Fraser - 17 september 2009 21:38

It's been a completely shitty day. Arbetsförmedlingen was a complete waste of fucking time, on the way home I got a speeding ticket, one which there's no way I can afford to pay in my current job state. And I'm just left with this completely bitter feeling.


To have someone just be completely rude and blunt, and "out of touch" hurts when you care so much. She's the only one of my friends who has gone out of her way to not give a fuck. Even some of her friends have talked about ways that might keep me here, but not her, oh no. She's the ONE person whom I would listen to over all  others here, but she's too busy doing everything possible to be not there, then when asked about it "oh it wouldn't make any difference anyways"....what a fucking cop out.


For someone who says she cares, and that she was serious about fixing this, she's got a pretty fucked up way of showing it. It's impossible to talk to her, because things get twisted, and then it just becomes a big excuse as to why we don't see each other.


Anyways, enough about her, it's time I accepted that she's going to be who she is going to be, and nothing is going to change that stubborness. To be honest, I got myself into this, she did say when we started dating that she was going to hurt me, but I refused to listen...so if you read this, you're released from it, congratulations, but I don't think it bothers you anyways.


Asides from that, last training at football today, and last match on sunday. Looking forward to the season ending, have lost touch with playing football over the past few months, and pretty much lost all my interest, which for someone who adores football, takes a lot.


Still not much doing on the job front, started applying for jobs outside of Sweden now, which require a swedish speaker, there's one in eastern europe which I'm pretty interested in, so gonna fix up my application for that tomorrow. Might be nice with a change of scenery, without having to go home.


Looking forward to the weekend, after work drinks with Emil, and then out both friday and saturday night to have a blast, and forget the shit that my day-to-day life seems to bring right now.



Av Gary Fraser - 15 september 2009 23:13

"I hate my neighbours, they're moving at this hour, they should be killed and executed!"  Haha class Nilla :)

Av Gary Fraser - 15 september 2009 19:10

In the mood for lyrics today....not much else to report, had the dog, sat on my ass, ate more than I should, and am no nearer to reaching a conclusion on anything.....


"What If?"

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life
That you don't want me there by your side

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know when you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Oh - Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
You know that darkness always turns into light.
Ooh-ooh, that's right

Av Gary Fraser - 14 september 2009 22:59

Night times are the worst for me. I hate being alone at night.


The mind races with past events, future problems, stress, too much energy, problems I have now. Feelings for people, and quite simply, it amplifies how alone I feel here.


I love being in Sweden, but I hate feeling so isolated. I've over relied on someone and it feels like thats gone down the hole, despite my best attempts to save it, and the feelings I have. And even though I still feel that I'm independant, I feel the need to lean on someone sometimes, but unfortunately, the lack of trust means it's impossible.


Not exactly sure where to go from here, I got work permit issues, money issues, emotional problems, and trust problems. Not even the "closest" people around me here can I trust anymore it seems......



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