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Av Gary Fraser - 13 september 2009 22:57

It's been a tough, and drawn out 24 hours, a lot of alone time, as usual.  Not much has happened, and no motivation to do anything now.

Got a visitor for a short while last night, and it was cool to have someone to talk to, probably overdid it, but was nice nonetheless.

Asides from that, football didn't go well, the place is a mess, and I'm no closer to finding a job.

Av Gary Fraser - 12 september 2009 22:07

I guess its a bit tough right now. Everything is so up in the air. Things that matter most, well "the thing" that matters most, seems to just be drifting further and further away, and I feel helpless to stop it.

It does make me sad, knowing deep inside what the reality of things are, but that I just seem to ignore that. The thing I found last Saturday night, after talking to Dad, that despite all the shit that I feel, there is some sort of hope left. For "that" and for most other things. Even when the situation seems completely helpless.

The fact is though, right now its tough, and the one person asides from my father that can help, isn't there, and that hurts.

Av Gary Fraser - 10 september 2009 22:33

Crap, lost everything I wrote, stupid laptop.

One thing I can't understand about things.

I only need two things to be happy in a relationship (or just to be with someone, for those who are scared of that r word), to feel wanted, and to feel valued.

So why is that so hard to deliver? I open up, I am as honest as I can be, and I try. And I get met with what seems to be a stone wall.

We had so much fun up until she went away, and when she comes back, it's like there's an excuse for every reason why we shouldn't be still doing the same. And thats all it is, excuses. There's no logical reason why we shouldn't be seeing each other, unless there's somebody else, which has been denied, or she just doesn't care for me like that anymore, which I often wonder.....

I dunno....why does this need to be so complicated?

Av Gary Fraser - 9 september 2009 20:55

I have a stupid head, and its making me think things which make me sad, VERY sad. And in all honesty, do I have a right to even think these things?

It feels stupid to talk about them, even.  And that self-destructive streak is back, and dying to just be let loose.

Have a visitor soon, so many some company will lighten the mood a bit. Then have a run in the morning, before a little teaching later :) So something to do tomorrow.

Av Gary Fraser - 9 september 2009 00:48

hmmm, new view on the blog, but otherwise it's not too shabby.

Thinking too much tonight , and so much on my mind, trying hard not to let it drag me down, but its one of those things...

As soon as I see something that makes me feel a little sad, I have this crazy urge, to do something self-destructive. Generally that involves a certain someone, but she'd already gone to bed.

It's sorta strange, I feel like I'm back to square one with her, but doing my best to be positive about it, and trying to just enjoy my time with her. It's hard, wanting to kiss, hug, and even make love with her though.

Otherwise, did some teaching today, was fun :) although it was probably the least successful time I've had so far, but I'd been warned it was a tough class. Managed to hold their attention for much of the time though, so shouldn't complain. Got asked back on thursday, and next friday, and some paid tutoring is coming up too, so looking forward to that. Could be a step into some more permanent work further down the line.

Jury is still out on what I'm going to do next. I would love to hang about, see where things going, but I gotta start thinking realistically now, assess what my options are and make that decision.

Av Gary Fraser - 7 september 2009 11:17

Standing here, all alone

On my deserted Island

Wondering where you've gone

Beautiful as the highlands

Enclosed by dangerous waters

Where creatures lurk within them

Thoughts of jumping headfirst in

At the memorys of my heaven

Dreams come near and flutter by

Pointing at the history

Then sadness creeps within my soul

Reminding what you meant to me

Words are often  hard to come by

Each time I see your face

Because deep within, no matter what

You've built yourself a place

So sitting here among these sands

That pass as quick as time

I'll reminisce and wonder 'bout

That time that you were mine.

Far off to the sunset

The island drifts away

My body quivers, starts to shake

As night takes over day.

Av Gary Fraser - 6 september 2009 01:10

I have just had my father talk me out of something, which I won't go into detail on.

I feel worthless, completely and utterly worthless. I've beaten myself up, with assistance, and now I feel completely empty, and devoid of anything.

All I wanted to do was care for someone, who in turn, didn't care for me. An excuse that I needed to be independent is bullshit, because my whole life I have been independent.  I just can never understand why it is that she could never be honest with me.

The whole thing has upset me so much, that often I've been in tears daily. Wondering why things went wrong, not just with us, but in general. Wondering how on earth I could pull myself up from this, because god knows I can't do it on my own.

The thing is, I've been holding on to the hope she would wake the fuck up from her problems, and realise that what we had was different. But I hold on to that hope because its the last hope I have.

In reality I know its different. It's just a matter of time before she finally gets the guts to say what she feels.

Av Gary Fraser - 4 september 2009 21:12

I guess I came to a realisation after talking to my father a bit.

The one who I care so deeply for, she's not going to feel the same level that I felt for her. It's just fact. She's too preoccupied with planning a life away from Sweden. Or doing other things with other people. That of course, makes me sad in a way. Its not nice knowing that you can't provide all that someone you love wants from their live, or at least be a part of it.

So I guess I re-evaluated what I wanted. I still want to be with her, that goes without say, but I guess the expectations have changed. There aren't so many anymore, just to be around would be enough, hang out and whatever else until she's ready to move on, then I think I can find that closure and move on myself. Assuming of course she'd want anything at all.

I dunno, my lifes gone down the drain the past twelve months. It's hard to know what to believe anymore, but I guess I need something to hope for.


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