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Av Gary Fraser - 4 september 2009 00:52

Trying to keep things together, remain composed. It's not easy.

Wish I knew what to do, feel so beaten down all the time and completely isolated from everyone. Its all easy to say "go out" but there's not much to go out to right now.

Got a surprise visitor (for all of 10 minutes) today, was really nice to see Fajsty again. Otherwise its been a completely unremarkable day, no new prospects of work, and arbetsförmedlingen fucking around as per usual.

To be honest, I'm just wishing I could go to sleep, and not wake up again sometimes.

Av Gary Fraser - 3 september 2009 11:58

To see you there and not to touch you

Is a knife inside the heart

To feel that you don't want me near

Takes the sadness off the chart

That sadness wells within me

With every waking hour

Thoughts of times together

Your smile my pretty flower

So sitting in these four walls

Alone and in self-pity

I'm left with what might have been

And pray for that again.

Jag saknar dig

Av Gary Fraser - 2 september 2009 20:03

Well I got a little good news today, seems I got a-kassa (unemployment assistance) and looks like I'll be on a course by this time next week.

I got a message from someone today, which meant a lot. But at the same time, has left me sad. I care very deeply for her, but it feels so hard right now. Wanting so desperately to talk to her, I end up beating myself up over it. My imperfections, things I could have done better, things I have said or done, they all revolve around in my head. I know I need patience, but when I spend so much time inside these walls, thats all I can think about. It's sad and pathetic, but true. Selfishly, I just want to hold her, have her back again, and that would help. But my trust in people is shot, and thats not a good thing, I don't want to be paranoid or always wondering what she's thinking, or where I will be when she finally decides (if she hasn't already) that I am of no use.

On a whole, it just makes me sad. And now, more than I have been in a long time, I am very sad.

Started sorting tickets for a potential move home, chosen a date to make a decision, and the date I will book the ticket for. So if I decide to go, then the plans in place. Its true, I don't want to. But sometimes things just have to be done. Dad suggested going home for winter, and coming back here in spring, but I don't think that will help me. Finding work again here would be tough after a period away from Sweden, and to be honest, I don't know if I could survive that again, having to get started all over again, trying to get my life back on track here again. Especially since I know I will be a place where I often feel truly unwanted.

It's a lot of complaining, these past 12 months have been the hardest I think I have ever endured. Two failed relationships, both with girls, whether I choose to deny it or not, I love, or at least did. Lost my job, and just lost my drive and passion to keep pushing forward. I've had a meltdown, which I regret to say, someone witnessed. And probably for the first time ever, I questioned my ability and will to survive.

It has been tough, and it is very hard to pull myself up from that. And right now, I don't see how I can.

Av Gary Fraser - 2 september 2009 00:22

Well she finally walked out that door. I dunno if its forever, but I'm a short time away from finding out. I feel lied and cheated on. and feel like I'm twisted inside a bunch of secrets.

So, the idea is that if the situation doesn't improve before my last willys pay check, with either work or with her, I'm going home.

It's not what I want, in any sense of the word. I know what I'm going back to, and I know I will die inside, everything will disappear from my life, and I know it.  I will be but an empty shell of what remains in my life. And that won't ever return.

I don't know what to do anymore.  The old dreams of success in Europe, finding that perfect girl here, and seeing the world. They are gone. Replaced are much much darker dreams.

Av Gary Fraser - 19 augusti 2009 23:38

Well, too much time on my own, with very few people to talk to, have left me on a serious downer.

The one who usually picks me up is away, and will be rather often under the coming months. The fact that she still sees her future without me is still something I find worrying.

Stupid thoughts have been entering my head lately, and refuse to go away. Things like "would anyone miss me?" if I were to do something stupid keep coming back. Of course I am a pussy, and could never do that "stupid" thing. So it really is a moot point.

For over a year now, I've always felt like I was fitting into someone elses plans. Never actually negotiating, or "give or take" but always conforming to others. In doing that, I feel like I sold myself out a bit, and have lost that drive.  I know I've covered the whole "drive" thing before, and the more I think about it, the more reasons I come up with something different. I don't know what to do right now. I'm having a hard time even motivating myself to leave the apartment, even to do washing or shop the basics required to even live, not to mention how I'm even gonna resolve the money situation later....

The simplest solution is of course, to give up, go home, and just forget everything. Do what everyone else is doing and forget about my life and dreams here.

Theres many things that make me sad just now, some things I choose not to write about, knowing who reads here, and knowing also that there will be inquiries as to the reasonings for my sadness, should i put them out there, so its sorta a paradox.

Anyways, I'm giving up on this for now, and going to sleep. Probably need it

Av Gary Fraser - 26 juli 2009 00:38

Long time since I wrote, lots has happened, mostly bad stuff

Leaving willys, its been coming, but its still not nice to have it happened as it did (explanation later maybe) I guess this leaves me open for a new start (again) but here in lies the problem.

The problem is now, that I don't know where my new start is going to be. It seems increasingly likely that my new start isn't going to be in Halmstad, as the person I'm trying to hold on to, is planning to leave anyways. And due to my refusal to do long-distance relationships, I don't see a light at the end of that tunnel right now. I hope I'm wrong, I sincerely do, but right now in the state of mind I find myself, I don't see it.

Even with that, thats not to mention the fact my arbetstillstånd (work permit) is up for review, and being jobless, it looks 50/50 that it will be extended. So everything is waiting on them to come to a decision on what they plan to do.

So what to do? What are my options? Well there are several, although some appear more likely than others.

1) Work permit approved/denied, but leave, return to New Zealand, marry, and live out my life, just like my parents

2) Work permit approved, stay, and continue to fight to survive.

3) Work permit approved/denied, head to the UK, and work there.

4) work permit denied,  travel around Europe until its time to go home, and then go home, poor.

I know that if I end up going home, I think I will give up on the dreams I once had when I came to Europe, even though now they seem further away from reality than when they did when I arrived. It's never easy giving up your dreams, and thats something I'm going to have to come to terms with, no matter what my decision. Right now  it feels like concentrating on surviving, no matter where I am, is the order of the day.

Although people are trying, I'm left feeling isolated now, and no matter where I go, I will always have that feeling, because its a self-imposed isolation. The ability to trust in others is eroding away, and maybe soon it will be gone. It hurts more when I know I'm dragging other people down with me, and I know full well they don't deserve that.

So what to do now? Only time will tell, inside right now I feel completely sad and I hate being on my own, because it leaves me to my thoughts, which can be very tormenting at the worst of times. I don't know what to say or do anymore that will fix these issues, I have searched for help and came away from it feeling less good than when I started.

No one wants to listen, so I will write it here, and the blog will read.

Av Gary Fraser - 1 maj 2009 21:14

Yet another late late update....I had actually written one out before this one, but the browser crashed, so now its going to be shorter

Personal life, thats going ok, still seeing someone who is wonderful in every way. We have our ups and downs, but I still love the fact thats she's sweet and caring, and as patient as she can be, although I know I frustrate the hell out of her sometimes.

Work life: well thats shit, and its just getting worse. I'm stuck with people who don't want to work, hate the organisation, and a management which has no touch with the workers, then there is me stuck in the middle. It's getting harder, and to be honest, my self-confidence in my ability to work there is now zero, I hate my job, and I'm sad that nothing seems to be able to fix the slide I'm feeling at work.

Sports life: Well, thats taken a curious turn, I'm now a forward (and scoring too!) and it feels nice to be out and about playing in the field again. My confidence in my sporting ability has increased, although two matches without a goal has limited that somewhat.

Asides from that, off to Manchester on thursday, to see my dad, its going to be nice to see family again, I'm a little sad that the lady can't come, but will do my best to enjoy the holiday anyways.

Time to get a wriggle on.

Av Gary Fraser - 16 mars 2009 19:38

Yeah, I know its been about three weeks. I've been really slack. I only ever feel the urge to update when I feel shitty, so here we are.

Had a friend visit from France two weeks ago, which was really cool, had a good weekend out n about, with some drinks with friends and just chilling out.

Have been really happy of late, for mentions I'm not quite ready to divulge, but maybe sometime in the near future.  

Work went really well, up until about 2 wednesdays ago. Things are starting to slip, and its time I put them back on track again. I feel really bad for letting my standards slip again. I was really hard on myself for a while, and things worked really well, no bullshit, just do it, and it worked. Now that I got greens in the konceptuppföljning (like a supermarket concept grading, for you english readers) for the first time ever, I've gotten a bit lazy, and gotten myself wound up in the wrong things at work. Time to fix things and just deal with it.

So I guess we come to today - why today was so shitty, its not worth telling a story about it, so I'll just set it out in points

- My förebeställning wasn't altered, therefore no products came to the store today that should have, meaning that the newspaper that comes out has stuff in it that I don't

- I started the day with three pens, two disappeared and one broke

- I had a massive amount of wastage today, something I could have and should have prevented

- I misplaced my work card - found it again, when I found that, I found that I had misplaced my bank card, and had to go back into work to look for it

- I spilt drink all over me

- I didn't finish everything at work that I wanted to

- Worked two hours for free

- My daily ordering was a joke

- I was tired, and very short-tempered (still am)

- I had to speak to a very upset sister

- My car is getting worse, meaning it will need repairs AGAIN in the near future.

- I have to save money to Manchester, and I have no money to save, and the person I invited doesn't want to go.

- I have no plans for summer, and no money to go anywhere.

- My new tidschema (times for work) means that I can't play football every other weekend.


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