Free falling, without hindrance

Tumbling towards the ground

That final step has been taken

The wind the only sound

I think of my life

And what it has become

And all I see is emptiness

My potential is now none

This dream I have so often

Of taking my final bow

Would anybody think twice

If I ended it just now?

So falling through the air

Like life I am alone

A tear escapes my eye

As the flesh meets the stone.

I have come to a point now where I feel completely lost.

I despise my job, I hate the fact that it drives me down into the ground, mentally and physically. The fact that I work basically without help from the entire business means that I feel alone, and without anybody caring. The job leaves me empty and I no longer feel the desire to fight against all the bullshit that comes with that job. I have lost all faith in my ability as a manager, and that comes down to the fact I'm constantly sold down the river, so to speak.

I despise my life. I am constantly fighting an uphill battle just to stay afloat, yet the possibilities seem very few right now. If I sell up, and leave, where will I go? There is no future for me in New Zealand. There's unlikely to be any future for me in the UK, so what should I do? It seems that no matter what option I take, I am doomed to failure. There is nothing for me to do which will lift this gloom that I am now stuck in.

I despise me. I hate the fact that I am alone, and right now, based on current events, if I stay in Sweden, I will remain alone. The one I sold my old life for has moved on, and now I am just a footnote on her life. The one person whom I felt I could start again with, is not only not interested, but I have hurt her in ways that I fought so hard not to do. Not physically of course, as I am not that sort of person. But I put her in a position that has caused her to be unhappy, and for that I cannot even begin to forgive myself. 

I no longer feel positive in my life, and it is quite a difficult problem to overcome, I have been trying to sleep these past 30 minutes, but with so much crap running through my head, I cannot even begin to relax.

I just want to give up, and thats the first time I have admitted that in a very long time.....

Lately I've been reflecting on comments made by someone who was close to me a long time ago. 

She made a comment that I'd always had a chip on my shoulder regarding people and money, and that our relationship (and later relationships that I've had) have fallen over  on the back of the fact that I've been unable to accept that some people just have it easier in life.

I am not one to complain about my life. There have been times when I've really had it tough, especially financially, and of late, many of my ex-girlfriends have come from "well-to-do" families. The most recent relationship is a good example of this, and the fact that she has had the easy road through life to this point where as I've struggled just to make ends meet.

And its this that really bugs me, how can people go through life, without having to face the difficult challenges that I have to face, and still get everything they want and more? There seems to be a great injustice in this world about the haves and the have-nots. Am I destined to be one of the "have-nots" for the rest of my life, and if thats the case, what point is there in living at all?

Now its worth mentioning that these comments don't have to just relate to money, because to me, money has never been the be-all and end-all of life. Mostly because I've never really had any. But its about life in general. Some people are just blessed by some higher power, and it seems that nothing can touch them. Everything falls their way and there's just some aura around them that you know can't be breached.

I guess thats why, like other working class types, when I see someone who is "up high" takes a fall from grace and ends up down at our level, I take a rather primitive pleasure from it. It's a bad thing to say I know, but its a simple fact. I want people to experience what I've been through in life, simply because I want justice. I want the success I deserve for suffering through all the hard times (which still aren't finished). I don't believe I'm "owed" anything, but I want to feel some sort of happiness in life. And so far, I don't think I've ever truly experienced happiness. That feeling that comes when you know that everything you've worked so hard for has paid off....

For once in my life I would like the stress of how am I going to survive another day, week, or year to go away and just to enjoy life without feeling like I'm being crushed under someones shoe....

So far away you are just now

In some strange place I cannot see

Dreaming out your silent thoughts

If only you would set them free

Another evening passes by

Without your touch, your laugh, your smile

My thoughts of you are never gone

For you I'd walk the endless mile

Never in my wildest dreams

Can one do so much good to me

Without the need to lift a finger

My soul can lift for all to see

Now its time to break that dream

And come back to reality

Because I know you can't be mine

I know that you're too good for me.

Angels have passed through my life

That have but brought a little light

So thank you for the time you gave

 To help me push away the night.

Nothing I really want to report, thanks to Eken I found this video on Youtube....it really does represent me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0G9vDKcdLg

Hasn't been a very good time of late, have been rather ill, but getting better.

Things haven't been good on the personal front, to be cryptic, there's something I want, but I can't have it, and its annoying the hell outta me.

I don't really feel much in the mood for writing lately, feeling rather down, so songs will have to do until I feel the urge to write again.

Gary Jules - Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Fuel - Shimmer

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day again"

No...

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I'm sorry I
had a bad day...again"

Are you one of the beautiful people
Is my name on the list
Wanna be of the beautiful people
Wanna feel like Im missed

Hey you with the walkie talkie
I know my clothes are not right
I wish I had my own walkie talkie
That reached to God every night

Everyone needs to be somebody
Everyone needs to find someone who cares
But I dont know if you know what I mean
cause Im never on your list

Are you one of the beautiful people
Am I on the wrong track
Sometimes it feels like Im made of eggshell
And it feels like Im gonna crack

Everyone needs to be somebody
Everyone needs to find someone who cares
But I dont know if you know what I mean
cause Im never on your list

Well New Years went well, had a blast with some old friends, and some new ones as well. Got incredibly drunk, and have a vague idea of midnight and its proceedings.

Made some life decisions while waiting for the taxi (which was 40 minutes, so had plenty of time to think). I have said I was tired of people who were bad for me, so I have made that cut, and it feels good. I have decided I don't need anyone, and I feel so much lighter for it. People are welcome to come into my life, but I won't take any shit anymore, and thats what I will try to hold on to as a life choice.

Cricket begins soon, and Football too I think, so looking forward to a busy month while I improve my fitness, and FINALLY try and get rid of the belly, of which is yet again the result of another aborted diet (due to sickness and minor depression).

Work is shit, I actually have begun feeling bad before I go into work. I think its mostly because I'm so damn tired, I work way too many hours, and now my body is packing up, not really enjoying it at all. I really need to cut back, and soon, possibly with a holiday somewhere.