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Av Gary Fraser - 19 november 2008 22:48

Well its sorta strange I guess, there's so much i wanna write about, but so little comes to my fingertips.

Training tonight went rather well, which I'm pleased about, its the first decent one I've had in a while, was almost late, as the exhaustion from work has finally caught up with me. Lots happening now, and most of it negative, but trying to turn it around and make my job that little bit easier. It's hard though when there are people whom you just can't rely on to do a good job. It's a source of high-stress just now, and something I need to remedy soon before it starts to create issues for me personally.

Asides from that, feeling reasonably relaxed, I slept the whole early evening (4 hours) so feel like I can wake up tomorrow and be ok.

 Hopefully tomorrow I can sit down and write something "bloglike" there's opinions I want to share, but today its getting too late, and I need to wake up in 6-7 hours.

Av Gary Fraser - 19 november 2008 22:44

Ok, I've been procrastinating long enough, time to get serious on this.

Tuesday the 25th, shall I undertake the final step in my weight loss plan, the aim is to go down to 80kg max. As well as to work on improving my fitness.

So on Tuesday, will my first weight be written in (or maybe wednesday, because I can't buy anything until after work on Tuesday). And from there, will there be a daily entry on if I've stuck to the food regime, and what I've done for exercise, feelings etc.

So, until Tuesday, this category will remain a little empty....

Av Gary Fraser - 18 november 2008 22:51

The Whispering Deaths

Noises echo throughout my head
Whispering thoughts that bring such pain
Lead me to believe in dreams
That vanish, never seen again

These four walls draw ever nearer
In a corner I crouch and pray for peace
A window to bring in fresh air
So claustraphobia shall ever cease

I search for you to make me whole
And bring to me back eternal smiles
Saving me from my other self
And burning these char-blackened files

But till that day I wait in time
And dream of our firelit heath
That beats away the ghosts of mind
And brings defeat of my whispering death

Av Gary Fraser - 18 november 2008 21:51

There is one song that currently sits high in my list of "yeah I relate to that" and it is rather sad, because its a pop song, and I pride myself on my lack of pop culture that I entertain ;)

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

The song reminds me of what I want to find in life, that person who I can just spend forever with and know that there is nothing that can destroy that.

Other songs, Staind - Zoe Jane, Staind - So Far Away, and of course, Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb, if you haven't heard these songs, find them. 

Av Gary Fraser - 18 november 2008 21:10

Its a swedish website, but this blog is in English, tough if nobody likes it, thats life.

The whole blog phenomenom  has been something I've never really gotten involved in it. It was seeing somebody elses blog, that has helped me on the way to finding somewhere to write my opinion on the world.

So who am I? And what is this? Who really knows, this could be my voyage to find myself, or to find my place in society.

I think lately, in the last three months, things have fallen away for me, from working towards my dream life, to sort of sitting in limbo. It's been an unusual turn, and rather difficult to deal with, especially given the circumstances I find myself in.

So it has been with this in mind that I have surrounded myself with people who had alterior motives. The type of people whom I had managed to discard whilst being with Susanna, and it has been that, when i needed people to lean on the most, that I have let myself down in my judgement. It has brought me to the decision to discard those people, quite similarly to how one discards rubbish, and have simply cut them out of my life.

It has left me a little bit lonely, but a little less stressed. I sit here on the other side of the world from everything I know, which is not easy. Sure, I have people whom I associate with, and even people I would call friends, but there's that little extra missing for me to trust someone, the trust I shared with someone for the past three years.

So I guess thats a short description of my current situation. And its the situations I find myself in that affect my point of views on life and who we are as people.

If anyone is crazy enough to read this, the blog will come to include poetry (mine naturally) and philosophies as well as descriptions of whats happening in my life.

The last few months have seen a wealth of changes in my life. Most notably, the people who dominated my life in the past 12 months are starting to fade out and disappear. The only thing that makes it different than previous times,  is that there's no one coming in and taking their places.

Over the past three weeks, I've walked away from several "friends" based on their moral or behavioural beliefs. Being unable to accept that they're willing to treat people (and especially me) in ways that I found unacceptable, meant that it required to take some action.

One person moves from partner to partner at will, basically, anyone who looks at her, she jumps on, uses the relationship as much as she can, and then moves on....sorta like the aliens in Independence Day, for you who have seen it. I am glad that after 2 dates, I spotted the sort of person she was, and got out of the way. That was two months ago, and 4 boyfriends since, I feel validated in my point.

Another one is hell bent on finding people that treat her badly, and when she finds someone who doesn't, she treats them badly. It seems she's found someone else now, and sorry to say, but no doubt in 6 weeks, it'll be back to square one. The thing was, when we started catching up again, I had hoped that there had been a bit of change, that maybe she'd grown up from the person, who in her own words, used and treated me like shit. But the sad thing was, it hasn't changed, and this time I decided that I would prevent the same things from happening over again-

Then there's the one who left the biggest impact, which has been painstakingly drawn out over the past few months. The one that took my confidence, any self-belief, and quite simply my trust in females away, either I gave all that I could, and it wasn't enough, or I fulfilled what was needed during the time frame, and that was it.  Haven't heard a word in a few weeks now, and I think that'll be the way it continues to go. Not much to be done, so be it. It's hard to say something back when you're faced with what has always felt to be a big stone wall.

The rest? Well it just seems that I'm moving in a different direction now. Due to my lack in trust in them, and in several cases (even in one of my closest friends), the realisation that they're no different than anyone else means that we'll come to see less and less of each other until there's no contact for months. It occurred to me, in our discussions, that in the previous 4 months, I've always been the one chasing a discussion with someone who calls me "a close friend"....something doesn't sound right there.

Yeah yeah, it's all self-pitying bullshit, it usually is. What people fail to realise, is that when you take something on, like i have done, in moving away from everything you know, you need people around you who can support and help you, without being made to feel guilty for it. That's what I've never had, at least, not for 16 months or more. Those people who claim to care, generally have had their own agendas and as soon as I either fill that agenda, or it's clear that I won't, I get dropped. '

It's an eye-opening experience being the minority. Not many people here can say that they've been that for any sustained period of time, other foreigners from work understand completely the problems I have here, doesn't make us friends, but at least I feel validated that the issues I  have aren't just because of bitterness. There's some real issues there.


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