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Av Gary Fraser - 3 januari 2010 01:18

Slow day today, achieved nothing, and basically only got my washing done.

Read something just now, which I wish I hadn't. I dunno why I care, but it still hurts. Whatever/whoever it is she dreams on, hope it makes her happy.

Talked to Madde today too....feels like the gulf in what we believe in regarding friendship is getting wider and wider. I want people who call themselves friends to actually stand up for it, but I think she has other ideas. I dunno, the more I learn about her, the more she becomes just like Sanna, in her personality, and her behaviours....

Busy day tomorrow/today, gotta finish fixing the car, do the dishes, clean the house, the United game is on, sort myself out for the new working week, and fit in some work out time, becoming impressed with my biceps, they're starting to build up, although the weight aspect isn't really changing much yet, it's something I really have to work on.

At least tonight, the sadness isn't alcohol induced, got a little tipsy last night, probably a bit too much. I think the sadness will be something that will never really go away, as long as there's something to remind me of her. 

After discussing a few things with Mikaela, I'm gonna look into getting some help during the week. Make a few contacts and try and get to the root of the issues.

The break up with Sanna is one of the major ones, the way she treated me, and the way things went down removed all confidence (or what little I had) in myself, and although its not fair just to blame her, since i haven't exactly made it easy for myself, she is to blame, whether she (or her friends) like it or not.

Yes, I am unwell, I can admit that, and given the very dark thoughts that enter my mind daily, regarding her, my life, my future (or lack thereof) and my general self--worth, I am in danger of losing control of my life. I just hope that if/when I do get help again, it won't be like the last time.

I'm not going to be able to sleep, I just know it, so a long night lies ahead of me.

Av Gary Fraser - 2 januari 2010 01:16

It's been an odd start to the new years

I'm depressed, always have been. But it's a different feeling. Not one of complete and utter sadness...but more of.....emptiness now. It's a bit weird.

I think it has to do with some decisions that were made with the turning of the new year. Had a nice NY' eve dinner with a few old work mates, came home, talked to Mum, and then was upset...but then decided it was time to break some times which were pulling me down (it's a common  theme lately) and basically pull my life back to the bare minimum.

Nowadays its just me and Brydolf, I don't socialise much, and I feel very uncomfortable being around people. Just to go out and socialise, I feel the need to have to do something to release the stress, be it work out, take a shot of alcohol or talk with a family member.

The thing is, I've turned to specific music, which is angry and bitter music, pretty much because it represents how I feel about those who were close to me, before the "great fall". I feel cheated in most aspects, in that those who were near to me proved to be so false or fake. I dunno. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I spoke to the culprit of the other days entry, who of course denied everything, to which two different people said immediately "he's lying". I don't really care, honestly I don't, I just don't like it when people can't have the decency to show respect to me, when I've held a level of respect to them.

I guess to a point, I'm looking for the easy-out. I don't have the energy or drive to actually resolve the problems in my life anymore, and the easy-out seems like the only option. But it's always been in my life that just when I think I can't bear it anymore, or I can't survive, something always seems to pop up to temporarily relieve the pressure. It's something that's been present my whole life, for as long back as I can remember.

Av Gary Fraser - 30 december 2009 19:25

I have to admit, I'm somewhat of a massochist.

I enjoy causing myself hurt and pain, not physically, but mentally. I don't know why I do it, and I always have so many people to help me do it, how nice :)

When I'm on facebook, and i have a common friend with someone, I always check to see if she's one of the ones who "like" a status, and after that I'm just sad and angry. Have adopted a song which helps me deal with it, kindly shown to me by another "common friend".

Works finished for the week, sorta sad about it, I enjoy being at work, because it helps me forget about my life outside of work. I think it's going well, despite maybe being a little too outspoken for a newbie.

Dad sent some money today, so picked up a little alcohol, a few drunken nights lie ahead in waiting.

Pretty much asides from that, nothing is really happening, my life has absolutely no direction these days, maybe a new years wish is to get it going again sometime soon, forget about Sanna, and that our "relationship" or "beginning of a relationship" as she so nicely put it, even existed, and move on.

Happy new years to anyone who happens to read this.

Av Gary Fraser - 28 december 2009 22:09

Just a quickie tonight, cold, and tired, and looking forward to hopping back into bed, having already slept two hours.

Been thinking about her all day :( really fucks me up, but not much I can do about it. Doing all I can to stop myself feeling bitter (no particular reason, just feels easier) and wishing things were easier. The whole conversation yesterday, for it to end as it did, just confused me even more.

Talked to an old friend today, who said that I' d changed almost unrecognisably. I guess since the shit started going down, I've had to protect myself a bit, especially from all the people who are out there just to hurt others when they're down so the said people can feel better about themselves. Totally tired of the people who are so gutless that they need to spread rumours behind peoples backs, its like being a fucking teenager again. So, easy solution, break contact, and have nothing to do with their pathetically petty lives. My lifes not exactly great either, but at least I can hold a certain morality to my behaviour.

Works going alright. They're pushing for a 5th person now in ankommande, which I'm not the happiest with. Simply because, no matter what it is I actually do, until I sign a permanent contact, I'm bottom of the heap, so if they overstaff, it will be me who's kicked off first. Not exactly a comfortable feeling. But it's out of my control, so I guess I just have to work as hard and as much as possible, and then see what happens in April-May. Still haven't ruled out a move away yet, if it doesn't go the way I want it.

Otherwise, training at work before I start again tomorrow (5am starts will kill me, I'm sure of it) got a little träningsverk (pain from training) but it will pass, shows my muscles are growing ;) (which they are, my biceps are bigger than they've been since I was working at Nitator)

Aja....time to sleep I suppose

Av Gary Fraser - 27 december 2009 20:10

Feel like I made an idiot out of myself this evening...

Started talking to her, and then things sorta got semi-friendly, and in pretty much every conversation we'd had before it had been thrown back at me that I don't want to meet. So, I let down my guard, and offer...only to be told "I don't think it's a good idea" Go figure. It really does feel like nothing more than mind games.

Back to work tomorrow, looking forward to getting back into it (for three days).

Spending New Years alone it looks like, good fun. Brydolf and me will get by, I'm sure.

Still stupidly depressed, and for a short while, I felt better today, after United won, and after what felt to be a promising discussion....but aja, back to status quo.

PS: thanks to all you sadists who read my blog :) New record this month, always cool to know someone out there sees it.  Battling with depression is no easy thing, and it's even harder doing it alone. So to you who read, you have a small debt of my gratitude.

Av Gary Fraser - 25 december 2009 21:23

It's been a tough few days.

Yesterday I was just frustrated and annoyed, and today I'm just plain sad. This evening, on at least 3 occasions, I Just want to break down and cry, and just curl up. Everythings so hard, and days like today are just so hard to take. Watching Forrest Gump when I'm emotional doesn't help either.

It's a mix between being so lonely, and so sad, yet not being able to reach out to anyone. Everywhere I turn I always feel like there's someone ready to pull me down, and it's so hard to take. It's all well and good people saying "snap out of it" or "pull yourself together", but it's not that easy. When you're down in the hole, it's so tough to be able to pull yourself back up again. Make that 4 occasions now...and fourth time lucky.

Whichever choice I make, I can't seem to find the "light" in it. If I stay here, I'm doomed to labouring jobs, if I go home, I give up the dream, if I try in another country, all the trials and tribulations which I've managed to get through in being here, I'll have to do all over again. It feels like I need to go forward 30 years, and see what it is, I actually have to look forward to in life. If it's going to be like this in 30 years, where I'm just as unhappy with my life, then at least I know. The only thing which drags me out of bed in the morning, gets me to work, gets me home again, and feeds the cat at night is hope, pure and simple. But it feels like it's fading fast, and soon there'll be none left.

I'm 27, closing in on 28, and I feel like although I've gone a long way in terms of travelling distances, I've gone nowhere in life, and that I've let down all those who are close to me, that had so much hope in my potential grown up, that it's all gone to waste. I've got no family of my own, hell, I can't even hold down a relationship with decent people, I always do something to destroy it or drive them away. And I have no career, and no interest in anything....I feel like I'm a broken and used toy that's been shoved up in the attic.

All I need is that one person who can lift me up, and I had it, for nearly 9 months, I had all I needed from someone, and before her, for 3 years, I had a fantastic loving girlfriend....but for one reason or another, my decision or not, it wasn't enough, and I couldn't keep either of them.

It's Christmas day, and for the second year in a row, I'm on my own, crying, and feeling like there is no hope. That there's no future in store for me to look forward to. I'm sitting thousands of miles away from anyone who understands, and even if they were here, or I was there, what can be done? A few people have said "Oh it will change, things will get better", but who says? Maybe this is it? Maybe this is my life......In 27 years on this planet,  I've seen nothing to suggest that it WILL get better. From the day I was born, it's been a battle against the world to feel like I fit in, to have others accept me for what I can offer, and what I can do, but the thing is, I'm tired, and I've lost that will to fight, which was so strong when I moved here 3.5 years ago.

And now I don't know what to do anymore.

Av Gary Fraser - 23 december 2009 21:57

I don't even like Christmas, but it's unavoidable that one notices just how alone one is at times like these. To a point, it's self-imposed, but mostly because every time I've opened up to ANYONE in the past 6 months, I've been screwed over.

Those people who call themselves my friends, have done what they usually do, which is dísappear. Swedes have a fucked up idea of friendship in my opinion, especially the ones I thought were "close" friends.

Yeap, angry and bitter as usual, that's me

I think my debt will stop climbing now. If i ignore the credit card (which I can service over the next 6 months. I have aruond 17000 in debt. Which is basically the cost of being unemployed.

With luck, I can eradicate the money during the next four months, and pretty much start over again. Everything depends on whether i get permanently employed by Servera I suppose. Basically by the time the decision comes up for review, I should be debt-free, and basically then it will be to decide whether I want to continue with it, or whether I just give up.

A few songs are still kicking around in my head, Slipknots mostly "So break yourself against my stones, and spit your pity in my soul, you never needed any help,   you sold me out to save yourself, and I will listen to your shame, you ran away you're all the same."

Going to be a quiet day tomorrow, clean the place up, cook the julskinka I got from work, and then washing in the evening in between phone calls from my parents. What a wonderful life I have. As it is, I didn't get to system today (not that I really have money to spend anyways) so I have no alcohol for the "festive" period.

As it is, next week looks to be the same, work Monday-Wednesday, and then on my own for New Years and the such. Joyness.

Suppose, might as well go back to bed.

Av Gary Fraser - 20 december 2009 16:30

Well, was up for work, car worked, and arrived on time. Although it was a complete waste of time being there, didn't do anything and basically just wiped dust off stuff, at 300kr/h. Can't complain I suppose but I would rather have been in bed.

Somehow I ended up with Mikaelas keys, so I dropped them back to her at work, and sorta half expected to see Sanna there, but turns out it was her ledig day....good and bad I suppose.

Slept half the afternoon, was sure I had a washing time between 3-7 today, but apparently not. Went down to get started to find it was booked by someone else, so obviously I got the times wrong, rebooked for thursday which is a pain.

Asides from that, Western Union was shut both yesterday and today (virus) hope that I can get it tomorrow. Being forced to take an SMS-lån to meet some of the more urgent bills. Definitely not an ideal situation, but what can one do?


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