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Av Gary Fraser - 20 december 2009 02:03

A pretty bad day turned out ok in the end.

Was really off earlier, and then United lost, poorly, which made me even worse, stupid thoughts were entering my head, and it got exacerbated even further when the night out got cancelled. Little after, I got offered to go around to Mikaelas house, eat thai and chill a little with her and Jennie. So went around, and after Jennie went home, Mikaela and I sat and chatted until about 12.30 Was nice, and I talked WAY too much, but I guess that happens when you don't have company for a week outside of work, and a week before that, etc etc. So I think I talked the socks off her, but it was a nice evening anyways, with the odd fat porn joke, and me crushing other guys in bed (sorta had to be there).


Working tomorrow, not really looking forward to it (have to be up in less than 4 hours for it, not impressed). But its only 3 hours, so I'm sure I can survive it. Nothing a Berocca can't fix in the short term anyways.


A few messages tonight, made me feel ok, although sad that she wasn't going to have an enjoyable night out with friends. But hope she's alright anyways.





ANNONS
Av Gary Fraser - 19 december 2009 14:11

Aja....Saturday....in a bit of a pissy mood today to be honest, hope it clears up, although since I'm supposed to be going out later. Worried that I'll see her though, dunno how I'll react


Sat here last night watching "Looking For Eric". If you like football, and understand english humour, I highly recommend it. It's not often I laugh out loud watching movies, and it almost made me cry at the end too (although I had closed in on nearly half a bottle of whiskey by then)


Talking to one of the "former" friends, she said she felt sorry for me because I'll spend both Christmas and New Years alone, and then couldn't answer when I said "Who else would I spend it with?". It's not going to be fun, but in reality it's just another day, as long as you don't turn on the tv, or look at Facebook with all the idiots going "MERRY CHRISTMAS!". The 25th here seems to be a getting drunk day, and everyone goes out and clubs. So to avoid any problems, I'll be staying home (not that I Have money to go out anyways).


It's hard to turn around things when I'm on a downer, One of these days I'll need to get help to find some technique to help deal with it. Otherwise the only ways to get rid of it is to sleep. And I can't sleep 20 hours a day.


Not much else really happening, might have a short night out tonight, and then working again tomorrow from 7-10 and then back into a new week of work on Monday-Wednesday.



ANNONS
Av Gary Fraser - 17 december 2009 21:00

Not a bad day overall. Got through work ok, and becoming more and more indepedent and fast. Everyone seems happy enough with my progress so that's good. Nevermind the fact I'm being allowed to break the rules because of circumstances.


Met all the english speakers at work now, and we all seem to be banding together a bit. Sorta cool when I know they've had some of the same experiences as me when it comes to work, women and  life in general.


Been chatting again with Sanna today, earlier it was an argument, but happily enough, it's petered out, and it was pretty civil tonight. Congrats to her being an aunty-to-be in any case. Hope things will only get better from here, was nice when she said she missed my company :)


Got a phone call earlier this evening from someone I used to be at football with, he's looking at starting a new supermarket out in Vallås somewhere, and wants to drag me into it to help on certain aspects, since it's going to involve Axfood. He asked me for any recommendations from Willys, and I recommended one, probably the only one from golvet that  actually would be useful in that sorta store, since then I've thought of one other who might be interested in it, but didn't think of them beforehand, but if he goes ahead with it, I will probably be involved in the setup as much as time allows me to be. I think he'd had me in mind for a job there (maybe Chark, maybe something bigger) but I turned it down flat. Not ready or willing to get back into a supermarket right now, and I'm happy enough at Servera for the time being. It would be cool though to get back into a "consultancy" role again, which I haven't done since I left NZ, and be able to work on aspects of business which don't require me to deal with the day to day aspects, which isn't something I'm very interested in right now.


Asides from that, not too much new stuff to report. Feeling light, and heavy at the same time right now, so hopefully the positives will continue to come....maybe with a cuddly evening on the sofa sometime ;)



Av Gary Fraser - 17 december 2009 02:46

Strange evening, slept most of it, and now I'm wide awake


Talked to Sanna earlier, first time in a few weeks. It actually felt good to talk to her, and  (on the first time) I felt better and happier. Still trying to get used to the just "going" though, without proper goodbyes, suppose I'll get used to it.


Mum woke me up around 11, asking to call, so ended up getting up to talk to her, and then couldn't get back to sleep again, and ended up having another short coversation with Sanna. I know I annoy the shit out of her when I'm down, and she's just frustrated because I can't just pick myself up. Nowadays I look back on an email she wrote a few weeks back on the nice stuff she says, and normally now that makes me feel better. It was a stark reminder how much I miss her.


Saw her photos from Turkey, and the guy I saw the email about I suppose, having trouble getting thoughts out of my head, but I know they're just silly, so trying to ignore them, still a source of jealousy for me though but I'll get through it.


A-kassa came in this evening, got 1500 today, plus a further 500 next week sometime. Better than nothing but still a fucking crock, shoulda been way more than that, but so sick of the shit, I'm tired of complaining, and will just take it and move on.


It's 3am, I have to be up at 6, I really should try and relax and sleep, nothing seems to have helped so far, wish I had sleeping pills or something.


Tack för att du fanns idag.

Av Gary Fraser - 16 december 2009 17:15

Not a good afternoon


Bank said no, pretty much flat out because I'm not fast anställd (permanently employed, I'm still on trial). Have no idea how I'm going to manage the next month now. I know I have around 2500 kronor coming in from last month. Plus any money from mum (if it arrives) means that I'm going to get enough to pay the rent, but pretty much nothing else. My food can pretty much be solved through work, by having breakfast and lunch there, and just skipping dinner, which I do most evenings anyways, only leaving weekends to find food for. So now there's other things to concentrate on


IMPORTANT:


Sergel - 700 kr

Cat - ca 400 kr (food/catsand)

Rent - 2900 (covered)

My food:  500 (all 6 weekends until pay day)

Other Long overdue bills - ca 8000

Car insurance: 1800


Total: 11400 kronor +  (without rent)


LESS IMPORTANT


Transport Styrelsen 2000

Car Repairs 5000

Credit Card 16000 (600 monthly)
TM Konto 150 pm (I have a payment free month, so will use that)


Total: 23000+


Possible future income: 6000 (A-kassa, date unknown)


Stressed as fuck about it all, really tired of all the crap and feeling fucked over by the whole system here. Gonna be training hard tonight.







Av Gary Fraser - 15 december 2009 22:59

Well I've been making changes during the last week, but still been feeling bad.


So I've decided to take a slightly different approach. I removed all the people from my MSN list (asides from family) and waiting to see who messages me. Those who do, obviously want to, those who don't, no problem :)


I have decided to train when footballs on tv, so when there's a match on, I'll cycle and during the break lift weights and do sit ups. Been doing it for a week now, and every time I train, I feel so much better, so instead of feeling bad and wanting her back, I'll train, and if she still doesn't want me, I'll find someone better. Basically every time I feel down (which is often) I'll train instead. Already stopped drinking cola so the shaking in my hands has lesssened.


Already I have felt myself getting strength back in my body, and looking forward to taking a little care of my body. On the agenda is a waxing, and a choice of three tattoos I designed myself. I've wanted a tattoo for years, so I think its about time I go through with it.


I've come to the belief that I don't care what people think anymore, and that I am just going to concentrate on me and hope that things come along on the social front later. It would be nice to wake up beside someone again, however I don't see that as my priority just now.


GOALS FOR THE NEXT 3 MONTHS


- Drop back under 90 kilos

- Get the tattoo organised

- Raise my fitness to a good level again

- Take up the Nautilus offer through Servera as soon as I have money again (tomorrow maybe?)

- Go a whole month without cola

- Clear all debts I have (with a bank loan hopefully, and then start paying that off)

- Swim for 30 minutes straight

- Start saving money for a trip to South Africa or New Zealand next year.


They're all very vague I suppose, but something to aim for :)

Av Gary Fraser - 13 december 2009 22:07

It's become a case of "mmm whatever" for me today. Tired, frustrated, but basically don't care.


Finally was honest with someone today, and that made me feel better a bit. It was about time that I made the decision to just walk away from things. 


Asides from that, it's been a bit of a shitty weekend, United lost, I was sick this morning (and only bringing up blood) and basically keep feeling like I have to isolate myself more and more from the people who used to be around me, as I've come to realise (or visualise) the falsehoods of people. 


Bank loan meeting on Wednesday, so counting down to that and hoping that I can get everything centralised into one big loan (going for around 30,000, so I can basically get my life back on track). If it comes through, then all the problems are resolved in one go, at least the financial ones.


Pretty much nothing happens in my life anymore. I was in Göteborg yesterday, but it was a short visit, and Liseberg itself wasn't anything that I'd hoped for, given the hype it had been given by people who'd commented on it. I was really disappointed in what was actually there to be honest. But was cool for some company for a while, even if I had to drive 150km to get it. (300 if you include round trips)


Otherwise, I dunno. I never know whether I should be happy that I don't have people causing shit in my life anymore or cry because I know that I'm gonna have to eventually let people in again sooner or later. The whole trust thing has gone, so how the fuck I'm gonna trust someone again after the last relationship is anyones guess.  Saw some photos of her this evening, and she looks happy enough, and good on her, I truly hopes she finds that happiness that I obviously couldn't provide.


Back to work tomorrow, had hoped to find the damn clothes roller I have somewhere, since there's fluff and shit all over my pants and shirt, but alas, it's disappeared till when I don't need it again. Will look properly tomorrow. (Exciting huh?) Looking forward to the overtime thats coming later this week. Extra money is good, and they're paying a shitload for me to work. They're handing out "julkorgar" this week I think, although buggered if I know what I'm going to do with mine, can't and don't want to eat it all on my own. Had thought about giving it to the homeless shelter or something....I dunno.


Time to wrap it up I suppose, up in 7 hours....goodie goodie.







Av Gary Fraser - 12 december 2009 21:40

Just as I start to get a grip on things, I seem to get dragged back down again.

"You always look so sad" "Why don't you socialise with people?" etc etc


And it all comes back to August, and emotionally I'm back to square one.


Servera has been really good, they're trying to help me get some free councilling, so I can get over these recurring depressions, as well as the bitterness I feel towards Sanna over the secrets, and my place in society here, and my general place in life. We'll see what happens, the're doing their best to treat me good, although when it comes to evenings, the thoughts in my head are just as dark. I hate, I fear, I want to cry, and then I just resign myself to the fact that things are the way they are, and there's fuck all I can do to change it.


Now, it's come down to a trust issue. I don't trust absolutely anything that requires outside assistance. I nearly booked off my trip to Göteborg this morning because I didn't think she'd show. And the thing is, it wasn't a date, nor anything like it. Just two friends going to Liseberg, and having a fun afternoon, but thats the way it is.


This is the way I live my life, this is what the last 6 months has done to me. I've cared for someone who was living her own little lie. I don't hate her for it, just the opposite actually, I wish I could fix it, but it has to be wanted on both sides, and that trust would have to be earned again. I've lost a job, which, although  I didn't enjoy doing, I put so much effort into, and watched it all waste away.


I've learnt that the people who genuinely care for me are so far away, and that makes me sad in a way, but the thing is, if I went to be with them, everything would change, they couldn't deal with the day-to-day of how I feel right now I think.


I feel shitty, feeling pretty much stuck in a paradox right now.



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