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Av Gary Fraser - 11 december 2009 06:03


Started sleeping regular nights again, two nights in a row now...

Had dreams for the first time in a while tonight

First dream, my most recent girlfriend was in it, and everyone was telling me how unsuitable I was for her, and that she was so much better than what I possibly could deserve. And that even though I cared so much about her, they were telling me that she didn't care about me and that I should just forget her. First it was people from Willys, then my own friends from home, and then people from my new job, and that even when I became very sad, I would look up, and there were more people ready to tell me the same thing.

Woke up at 3am, felt like crap, but a quick five minutes to unwind, check my mail and then off to sleep

Second Dream. Following along to a job interview for Susanna. And we're at this bitchy old womans place, and basically the whole time we're there, she's judging me as if I'm not worthy, because I don't have the right manners blah blah blah.

So we go back to her place, n we're chatting etc. Then she gets another phone call and I go down into the kitchen, where I'm greeted by two people (in the dream I assumed they were her family, although these people have no basis in reality, as one was my best friends brother). And they sit me down saying that the BBB wants to be able to give her away at the wedding, and that they would refuse to give her away to me. So I get angry and I leave the room, and end up in another room, where a black guy (who resembled Morgan Freeman ?!?!)  is getting ready for work, and I tell him about what I just heard, and he got really angry....moving on, I go to talk to Susanna about it, and then, bang, mobile alarm goes off and I wake up.

I wonder if these dreams are sending a message which I feel I already knew, that I'm not going to be with someone, or that those who I get close to, just push me away, or those around them push me away because I'm not suitable. It feels like I'll never be suitable for anyone again. 

Even now, I get up, I work, I come home, stay awake until dad comes online before he goes to work, and as soon as he's off to work, I hop into bed and I sleep until the next morning. Doesn't feel like much of a life, however, I have chosen it this way, and I really shouldn't complain,. 

Av Gary Fraser - 9 december 2009 20:18

Long day at work today, started at 6. Working is a little stressful, basically because of the lack of confidence I have, I'm scared shitless of making mistakes, and I've made a few.

Anyways, got through the day, and had a meeting at the new lager.which went ok, although it took a bit of time.....the whole things sorta messed up a bit, and I dunno.....dunno :S

Basically moving into my own little world a bit. Not going out anytime soon, and no real times booked except for Saturday, which will be fun, but otherwise blah.

The people whom I hung out with so much after the break up and the jobless's become hard to hang out with them now. My reliance on not feeling lonely has gone to an extent, and to a point I can set standards now :S

I dunno, its all rambiing and not making much sense....but still, my dads the best.

And yes, I still miss you

Av Gary Fraser - 8 december 2009 18:09

The perfect song.....

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Av Gary Fraser - 7 december 2009 20:00

Things have changed a little over the past week... I've started to dislike evenings.

The friends I always used to talk to, I don't anymore, nor, in most instances, do I want to anymore...One called me fat yesterday (as I think I mentioned), and that took away pretty much any respect I had for them, another has become bitter because their relationship isn't working, and it seems its me thats taking some of the shit for it, so fuck it, the rest, except for one, I always have to message first, so I guess I'm just not much fun to talk to anyways. I came home today, saw no one online I wanted to talk to, and went to sleep from about up, looked online again, and still found no one worth talking to. So now I'm going back to bed. Brydolf is much better company in most cases anyways, at least he doesn't put up a load of bullshit and lies.

Had my first day of order mottagning today, was pretty stressed about it last night, so my sleep was fitful, and I woke at least 15-20 times. Got to work today, and got into it, and would you believe it, it wasn't as bad as I'd thought. There's a lot to remember, lots of checking and paperwork to do, as well as the fact there's going to be a lot of driving to do (when I get the right license). As it is because I don't have the B license for forklifts yet, I can't actually work in there until its done, and since its not happening until after xmas, I'm not going to actually start in there until the education is done, so it will be back to plock later for a few weeks.

Not much else to say, my life is boring at the moment and there's only work going on.....

Av Gary Fraser - 6 december 2009 23:46

Just a short one tonight.

Had a dead weekend, achieved exactly nothing, except a bit of cleaning and putting on the winter tyres today (and half the dishes)

Had the work party on Friday night, was sorta fun, and sorta tough at the same thing about meeting a lot of new people at the same time is the repeated questions....and if I know Frodo...which, sorry to say, I don't. Got to meet some nice people anyways, and danced a bit, but was still home before midnight, passing up a chance to go out...and it feels a bit weird when I don't really know anyone anyways.

So, home yesterday and today, Willys had their julfest yesterday. Sucked not to be there and see everyone together for one last time, but thats the way the cookie crumbles really.

So I sat home drinking whiskey instead, good fun, got right roasted too. Talked to Astride for the first time in ages, and the idea of a weekend holiday in France can be revived again now, maybe once I start getting paid again.

Money situation isn't resolved yet, hope to do it tomorrow or tuesday. Otherwise I'll have enough to cover the rent and food for another month hopefully.

Had a "friend" call me fat today, thanks for that, as if I didn't feel shit about myself enough already, that I need to feel even that made my day

Anyways, back to work tomorrow, so I shouid go lie down and read my book

Miss you.

Av Gary Fraser - 3 december 2009 22:48

Entering the room

Without being there

Voices fill my head

Sounds like everywhere

You cannot hear my tears

You cannot see my mind

Nor the screams or the cries

To me, you're deaf, dumb and blind

Life has progressed

To another different plight

Leaving days behind

Where the sun shone so bright

Lying on the darkened gronud

Where the house we built once was

Now so torn and empty

Ended, just because

So, on your merry way
True joy I hope you find

Because no matter where my life goes

To me, you're deaf dumb and blind. 

Av Gary Fraser - 3 december 2009 20:45
When you try your best but you don't succeedWhen you get what you want but not what you needWhen you feel so tired but you can't sleepStuck in reverseAnd the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix youAnd high up above or down belowWhen you're too in love to let it goBut if you never try you'll never knowJust what you're worthLights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix youTears stream down your faceWhen you lose something you cannot replaceTears stream down your faceAnd ITears stream down your faceI promise you I will learn from my mistakesTears stream down your faceAnd ILights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you 
Av Gary Fraser - 3 december 2009 17:55

Another day, another kronor...of which, I incurred twice as much as I earnt in bills.

Found out Folksam wasn't insuring me anymore, not sure why yet, but will find an answer sooner or far as I know, I haven't received any car insurance letters lately, so fucked if I know what happened there. Got a nice bill frpom Trafikförsakringsföreningen, which is going to be around 2000 kronor now that I've re-insured my car with another company. Hoping to bully Folksam into saying to tff that they made the mistake (which I'm sure they did). I will quite happily pay the gap which exists, but if they don't come up with the right answers, I'll pull out my pension and home-insurance too.

Today was the first day on the floor at Servera, went alright, and picked it up quickly and easily, even though I was just filling orders today, which I won't be doing, starting monday. Was nice to get moving anyways. Passed my forklift license test today, so qualified to drive certain forklifts ;) Apparently I'm going to be qualified to drive bigger ones after xmas, pretty awesome really.

Despite all that, been feeling pretty low all day. It seems I can't make people understand that I can't play happy families just to make them feel better. When someone decides that I'm not worth shit to them, and then turn around and think it's still ok to have some form of relationship on their terms, I have it tough to say "that's ok". Read her blog before, and saw a poem, so won't be reading it again.

I just wanted things back the way they were, but it seems our two realities are very different. Whereas I was quite prepared to do anything to make her happy, it seemed it wasn't enough. I know this is basically just a re-hash of things from the last 3 months, but I can't really help it. The feelings just won't go away. I'm not in love, and am pretty sure I never was, but I wanted to be, and I felt that I could love her, so to be dumped like a broken toy, it has changed me as a person, and I sure as hell don't trust her, or anyone else for that fact, and for the 4 people who've passed comments on my dating status, no, I'm not dating right now, and don't want to.

I keep getting told things will get better on the personal front, but right now, I just don't see it. So I go to work, do my job, and just try to not think about life outside of work until its quitting time, and at the moment, I really hate coming home. So based on that, I've picked up some overtime in the coming weeks, so then I'm not home as much, I feel bad for Brydolf, but he'll survive, he has company in the evenings in any case.

I miss people from home a bit, I've lost interest in making friends here, would love to have someone from Dunedin here, that understands what I think and feel, instead of accusing me of deliberately hurting them, or being rude, or self-centred, or self-interested, or only talking about myself....since thats all I do apparently. But so be it. If you don't like it....fuck off.


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