One of those tough days.....not much has really happened, and what has, has left me a bit deflated and flat.

Basically cleaned like mad this morning, since a guy from Folksam was coming around to address my bills. Which, when he arrived, did not, and only talked about Pension....so I was a bit pissed off about that. Ok then, went out to have our Weekly after works drinks at bulls, to find that just about no one of the regular 10 or so who usually come, showed up. So sat there with two that I sorta knew and 2 I'd never met before, for about an hour, before I got sick of it and came home. Was pissed off at basically throwing away 100kr.

Not much happening on the job front, and the more I try, the harder it seems to get. Dunno what to do to resolve it yet.

Sorta having a rough time with friends at the moment. Been left feeling as a time filler or substitute for boyfriends when they're not around (just without the sex). Can be a bit depressing and frustrating sometimes. Especially after 9 months where I'd been left feeling like I was a source of embarrassment, now I'm sorta something thats hidden away from friends, boyfriends or whatever.

Fucked if I know what to do to to feel better....going out tomorrow night and fully expect to get plastered, so anyone who gets drunk messages....sorry in advance! :)

Heard this, and how fucking true

Korn - Dead

All I want in life is to be happy (happy).
It seems funny to me.
How fucked things can be.
Everytime I get ahead.
I feel more dead.

Tough 12 hours....

I've been feeling tired, stressed, angry.

Had another one of those conversations with Sanna last night. The "we really should be together but it's probably never going to happen because we're both too stubborn to stop hurting each other" type conversations. All it would take is for her to show up...and stay. However it feels like everythings too far beyond repair. I dunno how I could meet her family again without feeling stupid, with all the things that have been said, although I was always left with the feeling she was a little embarrassed to have me around, something that's been denied. I dunno. Friends are telling me to move on, forget her...but I can't, and maybe I don't want to, and thats what sucks the most. Although it was a little amusing that the first I hear from her isn't "hello" but "who was that girl I was talking about"...Swedes in general aren't exactly masters in small talk.

All I want was to have her back, in my arms, night after night, everything else will fix itself like it used to do.

Began my diet yesterday, which no doubt contributed to my bad mood. I need to raise my levels of water, so as to avoid the headaches. Didn't help that I gave in and finished off my pommes that were sitting in the freezer, but it didn't add to my weight. Aiming to cut out the sugar direct, hence the onset of headaches and crankiness...however I refuse to give up beer :) Helpful given the big weekend thats coming, which, lets face it, I can't afford, but I'm going to do it anyways.

Job Coach today, looking forward to being told "you can do this, now get out" sorta thing....good fun.

True love was travlling on a gravel road
I followed into darkness, defied the bitter cold
As the lights of my hometown faded into night
I lost all my hope then, to ever make it right

And I…. Can't tell you what i saw
No, you've got to make it on your own
And I…… won't tell you what i know
No, you have to make it on your own

True love still travels along these dusty roads
For true love and friendship, I'll carry any load
I miss the lights of my hometown,
'cause I stayed away too long
For true love I trevelled
For love I wrote this song

And I…. Can't tell you what i saw
No, you've got to make it on your own
And I…… won't tell you what i know
No, you have to make it on your own, on your own

A few months back, I met a girl, who, to this day, I believe as being stupidly beautiful. She was and is, probably the prettiest girl I've ever met. Which causes problems.

Everyone I've met since, just doesn't compare...it's so stupid... since I know I'll never have this girl, or even get any interest....she's just someone I met, and occasionally...(and through the loss of words) talk to....so why do I compare others?? I don't  understand.

In other news...Had a busy weekend. After work drinks on Friday, followed by contact from Frida, asking for a place to crash, so had a guest on my sofa. Up early the next morning playing good samaritan and driving her to work, I ended up hanging out with her again on Saturday night....but came home quite early. Sunday, well that was more relaxed, had Nilla around to watch the United-Liverpool game, which, the game itself was VERY disappointing, but with Pizza and lots of laughs, made it an enjoyable experience. A little shopping later resulted in a quiet end to the weekend.

Have a computer desk now, which is going to result in a lot of tidying of the balcony :) Well beyond time in my opinion.

Well, it's been an interesting day, for one where I didn't get much jobsearching done. Basically ended up sleeping on and off until midday, before around 3pm, going out to walk with Annelie. It was nice, we'd been talking quite a lot since before the weekend, and decided to go out for a walk today. Passing through town, out to Rotorp, and then back through Skepparegatan, and she's moving in next door to my old place, which is sorta random) and then back to the car.  A short break before another walk this time out towards Östra Stranden, was cold, and we forever thought we were being stalked, but mysigt none-the-less.

Somehow, the time sorta disappeared, and ended up at home around 10.30pm to warm up after over 2 hours out in the cold. Climbing into bed now, and planning out tomorrows actions. Got the jobbcoaching thing at 1pm tomorrow...mustn't be late to that.

Yeap, was out n about tonight, with Christian, Johan and a new friend called Mats. Was fun, although they got tired of my messaging.....

Started at Johans place, around 7.30, and well before 11, I was cut. Stumbling into town, we ended up at Roberts Coffee, and I met up with Shaheed, whom I worked with from Skandia Transport. We caught up, and then I met one of his cute friends, whom I chatted to for a while :) Got an SMS that Sanna was in town, and that's when I started to get a bit dragged down.

On the way to Bond, ran into Madde, and chatted (and got a hug or three) from her, was great to see someone I knew, but also sad at the same time, given the links.... We had a quick chat before I pushed on to Bond with the other guys. In bond, Danced a fair bit, and Madde and I caught up again, but couldn't stop thinking that she might come to bond, worse still, I wanted to go down there and do something pathetic, like beg to take her with me or something....so when they decided that maybe they were going to push on to another place (the corner or morfars), I decided that it was time I went home. Feeling pretty blue, hopped in a taxi, and came home.

Talked with dad a bit, as I tend to do these days every time I end up on the booze. We discussed the realities of my situation with work n stuff, I know he's tired about hearing about Sanna, so we didn't really touch on that, just discussed football, and he's trying to keep me focussed on my next step, so that I can stay in europe and live my dream a little longer.

Anyways, its 4.30am, I gotta get some sleep

Mår inte bra idag. Någonting kommer fram till mig idag som jag har vågrade inte erkänner.

Om A-kassa kommer inte denna månad, är jag helt kört. Kan inte stannar nu längre utan arbete.

Har ungefär 16,000 kvar, men redan har jag ungefär 8000 i räkningar, och även om jag bara betalar den som är redan försenade, kommer det till 5500. Och det är inte ens om jag tänker på mat.

Känner mig riktigt stressade över det, och nu finns det mer press än någonsin att hitta någon jobb. Det gör mig ledsen.

Bilen har också skaffade problemmen igen. Några ljus behövs att byta, men det är ingen stor grej. Har fortfarande problemmen med den "wheelbearing" och nu har min gearbox började med problemmen. Det känner som problemmen bara lägga till hela tiden utan att jag kan lösa dem.

Vet inte vad jag ska göra. Ska försöka med något på måndag, och hoppas att någonting lösa sig, men ska inte räknas på någonting.

Känns som sedan Juli, ingenting har gått rätt. Den enda här i Sverige som jag litade på har bara gjörde allt att gör mig besviken och känner mig ensam.....fan va tråkigt jag känner mig just nu.